President Trump died yesterday, but don't worry, he came back like Jesus

Yesterday, the American people were plunged into mourning as the greatest president since Sleepy Joe Biden died during a policy briefing. They could only watch in horror as the president’s eyes closed and his head tilted 37 degrees and the briefing continued like no one had noticed. It was the worst sequel to Weekend At Bernie’s imaginable.

As millions of people (okay, just me) sobbed, those in attendance seemed strangely disinterested in offering CPR. Melania sat off to the side, filing her nails like she had seen this movie a million times. The boys’ eyes lit up as Ivanka whispered something about an “inheritance” and everyone else just gawped.

Why is the president not moving? someone whispered. Who is going to make our policy decisions now? The answer is the same people who were making them before, genius!

For 11 glorious, I mean excruciating minutes, the agony dragged on. I exchanged panicked glances with my fellow journalists because we weren’t sure whether to pretend this is normal presidential behaviour. I mean we’ve normalised everything else: paedophilia, war crimes, insider trading…

Tensions rose as JD Vance and Pete Hegseth debated whether to prepare an obituary or let Trump govern from the grave like Biden did. Then came the greatest moment since the resurrection of the Easter bunny. Trump’s eyes snapped open. I shrieked “Yes!” Melania audibly groaned and Ivanka muttered “for fuck’s sake.”

President Trump checked his ear for fake blood, straightened his tie, and then delivered the most historic resurrection speech in two millennia:

“I was dead. Totally dead. The best death anyone’s ever seen, believe me. They said, ‘Sir, he’s gone.’ But I looked at Death and said, ‘You’re fired. You’re a loser.’ And here I am.”

Trump’s spiritual adviser Paula White lost her mind, but to be fair, I think that was many years ago. “Just like Jesus!” she shrieked, checking Trump’s hands for stigmata. One megachurch pastor started live streaming and asking for donations to build the “Trump Empty Tomb Experience.”

Predictably, the party poopers at CNN got their fact checkers on the case, arguing Trump technically wasn’t dead. They brought on a “doctor” who said it was normal for men Trump’s age to nap during the day, and totally normal for barely sentient meat puppets to remain in politics until they drop. They pointed out Democrats do this all the time.

Trump slammed the fake news for undermining his accidental publicity stunt. He blamed Iranian Lego videos and the deep state for trying to cancel him. Within 45 minutes, Hasan Piker had been arrested for attempted murder. He is now being kept in ICE detention after Kash Patel personally found bullets in his hotel room, engraved with the words “Antifa” and “trans rights”. It was the next best thing to a smoking gun. Never mind that Trump wasn’t actually shot. It didn’t stop them last time!

It’s fair to say this was the closest escape since that time Trump faked an assassination attempt in Transylvania and got ketchup on his ear that has since regrown its cartilage. Just know that not even Jesus came back from the dead twice. This proves that Trump is the best saviour ever.

By 4pm, the president was holding a press conference where he unveiled new merchandise, including “I Died For Your Sins” t-shirts and “TRUMP 2028 – HE IS RISEN” bumper stickers. The president even announced he will add a new book to the Bible: The Gospel According to Mar-a-Lago.

“And lo, he tweeted from the tomb.”

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