Prime Minister vows to jail mothers who steal baby formula

The punishment for the babies is yet to be decided

British stores have been forced to put GPS tracking tags on baby formula and hide it behind their tills because woke mothers think their baby’s right to drink milk supersedes their right to make a profit. Obviously, these mothers should breastfeed their babies as nature intended and not make ridiculous excuses such as “mastitis” or “malnutrition” because they can’t afford to feed themselves, let alone their babies.

Just because they’ve had a sleepless night with a screaming baby and they’re on maternity pay which is just 47% of minimum wage and their Healthy Start vouchers are not enough to cover the cost of milk formula and their British Gas direct debit has cleaned out their bank balance, they think they can plod into Tesco like pyjama-clad zombies and help themselves to a tub of powder that’s had its price inflated to a perfectly reasonable £12. Anyone who takes issue with the 22% price increase needs to explain why baby formula manufacturers should not exploit our financial crisis when every other evil corporation is already doing this. That would hardly be fair to baby formula manufacturers, would it?

The prime minister was rightly incensed by the idea of mothers feeding their hungry babies, having done his utmost to starve school children during his time as chancellor. Rishi Sunak is still bearing the scars from his epic battles with that communist monster known as Marcus Rashford. Finally, we thought we’d reached a consensus that child starvation was acceptable in this country and now this.

Milk formula theft is getting so out of hand that an estimated 79,000 single mothers are understood to cost supermarkets the equivalent of a single Michelle Mone PPE contract. How long will it be until these criminals are using the proceeds of their crimes to buy themselves private yachts?

Thankfully, the prime minister is planning prison sentences much longer than those received by MPs who fiddled their expenses claims, but he is yet to decide the best way to punish the babies. This is because working-class babies are so useless they can’t even be sent up the chimneys in Jacob Rees-Mogg’s castle.

One possible use for criminal babies is scientific research. The prime minister is keen to see if we can harness the power of babies crying as a source of renewable energy. This should stop lefties whining about the “climate crisis” for a while and lessen our dependency on Russian gas - a win-win.

If we can convince the public their energy bills will be reduced by 5% by this exciting technology, I’m sure most of them will get on board. After all, this is a country that hates the idea of free school meals so I’m sure they won’t give a shit anyway.

I don’t know about you, but I for one am glad we don’t live in a country where the working class can afford to pay for food. Our store shelves are close to empty thanks to the Brexit famine and if we let poor people eat, there will be less food for the rest of us x

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