Prince Andrew consoles fellow sex offender Donald Trump after court defeat

The king's brother was quick to offer PR advice to salvage Trump's political career

Former US president Donald Trump has been found guilty of committing the same crime as Prince Andrew, after forgetting to pay off his victim to evade justice.

In a civil court case, the jury found Trump sexually abused magazine columnist E Jean Carroll in a New York department store in the 1990s and defamed her by calling her claims “a hoax and a lie”. The verdict came as a huge shock because only two dozen women have made similar accusations against Trump, which go back as far as the 1970s.

Sadly for Trump, he’s always been so repulsive that even with his billions, most women don’t want to be near him. And it’s not like the anthropomorphic slug who leaves a trail of glow-in-the-dark fake tan compensates with a sparkling personality.

Consent is just not a thing in Trump’s world, and everyone in Epstein’s little black book was at it too, so you can understand why he feels aggrieved.

After the verdict, Trump made the inspired PR move of posting the following to his Truth Social account:

I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHO THIS WOMAN IS. THIS VERDICT IS A DISGRACE - A CONTINUATION OF THE GREATEST WITCH HUNT OF ALL TIME!

Personally, I found the block capitals convincing, especially considering this is the first time Trump has ever posted without a typo. I hope he’s okay.

King Charles’ brother, Prince Andrew, Duke of York, Earl of Inverness, and Baron Killyleagh immediately flew to the US to offer support to his friend and fellow person with no discernible talent who got stupidly rich through inheritance and dedicated his life to sexual harassment. The parallels between these two wealth creators are striking.

I was fortunate enough to catch up with his royal highness before his flight and he said he’s “surprised” Trump didn’t make up a story like he’s had “anhidrosis since serving in Vietnam” as this would’ve helped restore “credibility in the eyes of the public”.

Obviously, Trump is so slimy he couldn’t have claimed an inability to sweat, but he could’ve claimed alien hand syndrome or an inability to control his bowels; the latter being highly believable and just as credible. A man who wears diapers could never be a rapist so Trump should use this defence if any more of his 20-odd victims, I mean accusers, sue him.

Andrew said he’s “disappointed” that Trump never used $13 million to pay off Carroll because this would’ve convinced everyone he’d never met his victim.

Trump later explained the payout is only $5 million so he’s actually saved himself $8 million, and given he never had any dignity to lose, he sees this as a huge win. Poor Andrew spent millions more to avoid court than Trump will pay for being found guilty, but at least Andrew has convinced the world of his innocence.

I understand his royal highness has advised Trump to pretend his nephew has married a mixed-race woman, a sin guaranteed to attract the media’s wrath and take the heat off him. As everyone knows, interracial relationships are much worse than committing defamation and serious sexual assault. Trump could even go one better and pretend his nephew is best friends with Prince Harry. The Murdoch press would be declaring a new axis of evil and Trump would be having tea with Camilla at Buckingham Palace.

We’ll just have to wait and see what happens.

There have been calls from some quarters for Trump to step back from politics, but the problem for Republicans is they have no one with Trump’s eloquence or sound judgement. He is by far the best they’ve got. Thankfully, their base would still vote for Trump because they are concerned the other party is a “danger to women”. Also, he is their best bet for giving the death penalty to women who have abortions or refuse to smile at incels.

Personally, I think Trump should definitely run in 2024 because I’m certain this whole affair has gone down well with floating voters. And I don’t know about you, but I, for one, am relieved we live in a world where sex attackers can buy their way out of prison if they have deep enough pockets. This is obviously how justice should work.

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