Prince Andrew has been cured of his inability to sweat

It is a Christmas miracle

Prince Andrew, who was tragically afflicted with anhidrosis (inability to sweat) following a terrifying experience in the Falklands in which he pretended to put himself in harm’s way to look like a patriot, has miraculously been cured of his awful condition.

Anhidrosis had caused Andrew terrible problems such as removing his need for deodorant and proving he could not possibly have raped a teenage girl, but thankfully, he now needs to use Sure for Men like any other law abiding prince.

Prince Andrew’s miracle cure came when a US court announced that documents naming Jeffrey Epstein’s associates would be published in the new year and he inexplicably soiled himself on the spot.

Despite his embarrassing potty malfunction, Andrew is obviously delighted that we are finally getting closer to the truth. We might even see some of Epstein’s associates prosecuted, but Andrew surely has nothing to fear because he was once in a Pizza Express in Woking. Fingers crossed.

While Andrew disproved Virginia Giuffre’s accusations with a kind donation of £13 million, another woman Andrew has never met called Johanna Sjoberg has accused him of groping her, and sadly, his mother is no longer around to pay her off. This is probably the reason Andrew keeps sweating like Michael Gove around a sniffer dog.

Andrew is relieved to hear his best friend Jeffrey can’t be prosecuted because he is spending his afterlife on a tropical island and his death certificate has given him immunity from prosecution. If worst comes to worst, Andrew can always fake his own death and reunite with his best friend, but this would upset millions of royalists in the United Kingdom and across the British Empire.

Although everyone who raped child sex slaves in Epstein’s mansion could be in trouble, Prince Andrew should not be prosecuted because he inherited magic blood from his mother, which is supposed to protect him from the law.

While Andrew’s friends don’t share his magic blood, fortunately they do have deep pockets and close contacts within the deep state. It is understood many of the guilty are in negotiations to buy their victims ski chalets in Switzerland in exchange for their silence.

You will be reassured to hear the CIA has its suiciding team on standby just in case anyone famous needs to be rescued from prison, and the people who operate the security cameras are ready to switch them off while the suspect is disappeared in totally legit circumstances like the late Jean-Luc Brunel. RIP x

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