Prince William and Catherine bravely enter food bank to meet peasants

This was a great photo opportunity

Following Prince William’s efforts to end homelessness, which involved posing for a picture with a Big Issue seller who is still homeless three years later, he and Catherine have launched an initiative to end hunger, which involves posing for pictures with poor people so the public think they’re nice.

William and Catherine are bravely venturing into food banks for a minimal amount of time, hoping they don’t catch something from the peasants, and running back to the safety of a chauffeured Rolls Royce where they can breathe a sigh of relief and say: “Thank god that’s over with!”

This initiative is hoped to improve royal favourability among young people who keep asking why one family has so many palaces when they can’t afford a mortgage. It’s understood the initiative should do much more to help hungry people than creating a fairer society without haves and have-no-palaces.

I was privileged enough to witness the latest photoshoot and I can confirm the fifteen minutes the royals endured in a food bank were full of hilarity.

A huge security guard searched everyone at the door and growled: “Make sure you bow, don’t make eye contact, and only speak when spoken to, or else you’ll be sent to the Tower of London.” This meant everyone who set foot in the food bank looked terrified, as they rightly should.

William, who was wearing a £3,000 Turnbull & Asser suit (but took off the jacket to show humility), stared in confusion at a tin of Aldi Macaroni and Cheese, asking: “Is this food?”

When his servant mumbled: “I think so, your highness,” William generously handed the strange item to a mother with a baby stroller, saying: “I assume you know what to do with this,” and laughing.

“So why do you have no food anyway? Was your servant unable to order shopping for you this week?” William asked.

“I don’t have any servants,” the peasant woman explained and William fell into stunned silence.

“Have you thought of getting your husband to shoot one of the pheasants on your estate? Men enjoy doing that,” Catherine helpfully piped up.

“My council estate doesn’t have any pheasants. Closest thing we have is seagulls and we’d probably be shot by police if we started blasting the local wildlife,” the peasant woman explained.

“Oh,” Catherine frowned, looking perplexed. “Well, I’m sure it won’t be long until one of your friends is inviting you to a lovely banquet.”

Thankfully, a security guard shoved the mother and child towards the door so they couldn’t cause any more of a scene. It’s unclear if the mother was arrested, but I can confirm the tin of Aldi Macaroni and Cheese was confiscated as punishment for confusing the royals. Serves her right.

One awful man wearing a tracksuit was arrested when he suggested William invite hungry people around to the next royal banquet and Catherine fainted, knocking over boxes of vegetables. Let’s be honest, no poor people were going to eat the vegetables anyway because they didn’t come with microwave instructions.

I can confirm Catherine is now recovering from her trauma in hospital where she is trolling Meghan Markle on her alt Twitter account, and the vegetables have been incinerated. The royal household is exploring the possibility of sending lookalikes to the next event to spare our future queen any further discomfort.

Some awful people (lefties) have suggested it was embarrassing for Catherine to faint in public, but I must assume they’ve never been face to face with council estate dwellers. Honestly, it’s terrifying. It’s like being surrounded by wild animals. At one point, I thought they were going to eat us.

A royal insider told me the food bank ordeal was traumatic for Catherine who had initially suggested they go in wearing biohazard suits with chainmail underneath. I can only imagine her reaction when she was told not to wear so much as a face mask because it might seem “aloof”.

I must emphasise Catherine was the consummate professional before she fainted and she performed important tasks such as checking labels because poor people are obviously too stupid to read for themselves. This was a huge privilege for the scroungers who got to see what people who matter look like up close. This is what animals must feel like when I visit the zoo!

At one point during his fifteen-minute shift (his longest in a decade), William told an old woman: “You must feel so grateful that someone as important as me has decided you’re allowed to eat today,” and the old woman burst into tears. I can only assume they were tears of joy x

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