Protesters to face jail for holding up blank pieces of card
Pro-democracy advocates are going to be crushed
As the coronation of the bloke called Charles and his bit on the side Camilla looms, some insufferable lefties are under the misapprehension that Britain is a democracy, meaning they have a right to protest. Obviously, this belief is utterly stupid. We are clearly a dictatorship - the clue is in the word “coronation”, people.
Next you weirdos will be wanting to elect your kings and queen consorts, and expect stenographers like me to act like real journalists. Just imagine!
Thankfully, a new law that’s been given royal assent by our unelected monarch means you are not allowed to protest the unelected monarch because he does not approve of dissent like every dictator in history.
Anyone who blocks roads, airports or railways could face 12 months behind bars, and if a kid accidentally skateboards in front of Charles’ hideous Cinderella carriage, the police will beat the shit out of him. It’s important that our police act like police do in the authoritarian countries we condemn. It’s only wrong when they do it.
The new law says anyone who locks themselves to other people, objects, or buildings could face six months in jail or an unlimited fine, meaning they could be fined as much as Charles’ stolen jewels are worth. Thankfully, police will be able to stop and search protesters they suspect of planning trouble, such as holding up blank pieces of card.
Blank pieces of card are now classed as deadly weapons and carrying them can result in a life sentence. Also, anyone who screams “Prince Andrew is a sweaty nonce!” will be thrown in the Tower of London where they will be forced to watch re-runs of the BBC’s coverage of the coronation unless they can pay a £13 million fine. Obviously, anyone whose mother can pay that much money should be allowed to evade justice. It’s only right.
The United Nations’ High Commissioner for Human Rights, Volker Türk, said that our anti-protest law is “incompatible with the UK’s human rights obligations” and the restrictions are “neither necessary nor proportionate”, but who gives a crap about human rights? Not Suella Braverman! She would boil the protesters alive like squealing lobsters and make necklaces out of their teeth if she could. She gets aroused just thinking about it, but Mr Türk does not approve. He’s such a prude.
The UN High Commissioner was even whining that people can be stopped and searched without suspicion, banned from certain places, and have their internet activity monitored, even if they’ve never been convicted of a criminal offence. Again, I must emphasise, the UK is not a democracy! Who does Mr Türk think we are? Norway?
We have no need for protests because we have a “free press” to act as the voice of the people and hold the powerful to account. For example, The Daily Mirror was reporting about “Princess Charlotte’s favourite snack” today. Powerful stuff.
Apparently, Charlotte has a “surprisingly sophisticated palette” for an eight-year-old who has only ever been fed albino sturgeon caviar, rougie goose foie gras, Italian white truffle, la bonette potatoes, wasabi root, pink lettuce, hop shoots, and various deserts wrapped in edible gold leaf. What did The Daily Mirror expect her majesty to eat? Alphabetti spaghetti?
Anyways, the Cory Bob is going to be brilliant because us rich people are going to be stuffing our faces with all that fancy food while you lot are tucking into your alphabetti spaghetti that you got from the food bank.
Note: “Cory bob” is one of those unbearable slang terms we’ve invented like “platty joobs” to ensure that normal people shun us. Acceptable alternatives to cory bob are “cory nash” and “chazzle dazzle”. Don’t expect anyone normal to be using these.
The chazzle dazzle is going to be extra special because Charles has been having rehearsals with his soldiers today - not the ones who wear silly hats and red uniforms and kick over children who cross their path. These soldiers were wearing yellow uniforms and looked no less ridiculous.
Have you ever rehearsed one of your parties with soldiers in ridiculous yellow costumes? No, and that’s why your parties are always rubbish! Well, that and the fact you never bother to steal £250 million to pay for them. You’re so lazy.
Charles’ party is going to be brilliant value for money, as will the £300 million makeover that the royal palaces are getting because Camilla doesn’t like the wallpaper. That’s over half a billion pounds of your money that definitely couldn’t be going to better causes. If you disagree, then you and I must have a very different sense of morality. Thankfully, no one cares what you think.
It’s now law for everyone to be draped in Union Jack colours and carry a Paddington Bear this weekend (not necessarily the real one, a replica will be fine and less likely to bite). You are expected to respect Charles whether you like it or not, and you will definitely not show dissent towards the bloke who is much better than you, thanks to his magic blood.
You should look up to him, you could learn a lot.
This week, he has been hailed as leading by example by “working” over the age of 70, which is what we are bullying you lot into to stop you being lazy. Charles definitely works much harder than you.
Like yesterday for example, he attended a gruelling garden party at Buckingham Palace where he had tea and cake. He even tried to shake a few hands, but the guests took one glance at those fingers and thought better of it. No one wants sausage meat to explode on their new dress that they bought especially for the garden party, do they?
This is one situation where it’s acceptable to disobey King Bratwurst x
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I am feeling tired already! Can we get this "corynaish" over with as soon as possible, please? There has to be something seriously wrong with a bloke who wants the entire nation to get onto its knees and swear an undying oath of fealty to him and his offspring world without end amen, isn't there? Isn't that what's called "megalomania"? What does the Church of England have to say about the fact that the Throne of England will now be occupied by two adulterers? Why should anyone swear undying oaths to a bloke who couldn't keep his marriage vows? And he's supposed to be "Defender of the Faith"! Which faith? Is it the one that has "Thou shalt not commit adultery" as one of its Ten Commandments?
It's Hitlerism tactics ,a tool fascist regimes put in place to cull democracy.