Public will be asked to swear allegiance to bloke called Charles

This will come on May 6th, two days after Star Wars day

As I’m sure you’re aware by now, there is a huge event coming up at the beginning of May: Star War day when we’re all expected to say, “May the fourth be with you,” and pray to the great Gungan prophet Jar Jar Binks. It’s a proud religious tradition and everyone is expected to participate, but you already know this.

What you probably don’t know is there is another event coming up two days later called a “coronation” where you will be expected to swear allegiance to a bloke called Charles. Personally, I’m disappointed this event comes so close to Star Wars day because both events should be given their own celebration period, but whatever.

Apparently, the “coronation” is another one of our proud traditions, like getting drunk and fighting over football games or yelling at food bank users to “get a job”, but I’m confused because I’m pretty sure I’ve never pledged allegiance to a bloke called Charles. Maybe this is a tradition we’ve just invented. Traditions have to start somewhere, right?

Anyways, here is where this gets interesting: the coronation tradition we’ve just invented is wrapped up in even more mysticism than Star Wars day. You might have thought that stuff about the “Jedi” and the “force” all sounds a bit weird, but they’re going even further for this “coronation”.

The lore goes something like this: Charles inherited magic blood from his mother Liz who inherited magic blood from her ancestors who got this magic blood by chopping the heads off their enemies (not with light sabres) until only the strongest survived.

If you’ve ever seen the Highlander movies, I think they ripped off the plot, but to be fair, it’s hard to come up with original ideas these days.

I understand North Korea pissed itself laughing when it heard the news of the “coronation” and said it would never stoop to such nonsense. This is why North Korea is a backward country and the land where rich people dress up like RPG custom characters as the public rapturously applaud is not. If North Korea wants to be considered civilised, it should bloody well start an empire like a real country.

So anyways, I should probably get back to this allegiance thing because it’s important you know what’s happening. This coming Saturday, every British subject will be ordered to say the following:

"I swear that I will pay true allegiance to Your Majesty, and to your heirs and successors according to law - so help me God."

“Your Majesty” is how you will be expected to refer to the bloke called Charles, the one with the magic blood. I forgot to mention that as well as inheriting magic blood through the Highlander head-chopping process, Charles was chosen by God. I never said any of this makes sense, just go with it, okay?

I particularly like how this coronation marginalises atheists and forces people to worship Charles’ unborn offspring, regardless of whether they turn out to be shitty people. I mean one of them could end up being like the bloke called Andrew who can’t sweat, but you must worship all of them, otherwise you are a traitor.

Now you might be worried that some people won’t pledge allegiance to the bloke called Charles so the government has announced plans to squeeze those traitors into the tower of London where Suella Braverman has built her own torture chamber. She’s very excited.

Controversially, President Joe Biden and Master Yoda of the Jedi council have declined an invitation to attend the “coronation”, sparking fears of war, but you will be pleased to know dictators from across the galaxy will be in attendance, including Ursula von der Leyen, Gary Barlow and Darth Vader x

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