Raab confirms he is innocent of the thing he resigned for

Hopefully, he can return as deputy prime minister in a fortnight

I must bring you the shocking news that Dominic Raab has resigned as deputy prime minister after being found guilty of being a bullying bastard. Obviously, Dominic is innocent and this is a miscarriage of justice. I know this because Dominic said the findings were “flawed” and “set a dangerous precedent for the conduct of good government”.

The Raabinator complained the threshold for bullying has been set so low that time-travelling to stop John Connor from being born is now considered “bullying”. Clearly, this policy is anti-Skynet and I, for one, am pleased the Raabinator is not saying sorry. Hopefully, he can return to his role in a fortnight like Suella Braverman did after she breached national security.

A government inquiry into Raab’s non-bullying upheld two complaints against him, which is somewhat surprising because Tories normally get their best mates to investigate them and then offer a knighthood as a thank you.

All the way through, it seemed obvious the Raabinator would be cleared because he wasn’t suspended, and leaving a bully in charge of his victims for seven months would be abusive, wouldn’t it? That would be bullying in itself.

I can only assume Rishi is getting investigated for leaving the bully in charge of the victims and for ignoring formal warnings before he appointed Raab as deputy prime minister.

Perhaps the saddest part of this whole affair is how completely unexpected it was. Incidents of bullying in the Tory Party are just so rare.

For example, it’s a whopping three years since an inquiry found evidence of Priti Patel’s bullying and concluded she had breached the Ministerial Code. Thankfully, Priti wasn’t sacked because she wasn’t “aware” she had been bullying so I’m unclear why we couldn’t extend the same courtesy to Raab. Perhaps it was because the accusations against Priti were less serious.

For example, one case was so minor, the Home Office was able to settle out of court by paying the victim £25,000 after they were driven to attempt suicide. In another minor case, the Home Office paid Sir Phillip Rutnam a minuscule £370,000, which is the cost of a single Boris Johnson cheese and wine party. In other words, pocket change x

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