Regulator says it's fine to call Matt Hancock "Tw*t Mancock"

Apparently, it's fine to tell the truth about politicians

Britain’s greatest ever health secretary, Matt Hancock, is distraught after his complaint against The Daily Mirror was rejected by press regulator IPSO.

The Daily Mirror called Hancock “a failed health secretary and cheating husband” who “broke the lockdown rules he wrote, doubled down on the lies he told, helped enrich his mates via the infamous VIP PPE lane, and couldn’t resist monetising the infamy he acquired as a result of his ineptitude at managing the pandemic”.

Disgustingly, IPSO rejected Hancock’s complaint on the basis everything The Daily Mirror wrote was true, even though it definitely wasn’t. I can confirm Matt did not monetise his infamy because no one bought his book, apart from me.

I know this is going to be upsetting to many of you, but we live in a time when newspapers are allowed to tell the truth about Tories. Thankfully, my readers are too discerning to be brainwashed by truth and this is why you come here for my spin.

Among the many successes Matt Hancock was criticised for were:

• ignoring the ministerial code to award a Covid contract to his sister’s company that he owned 20% of

• handing out PPE contracts to his friends, such as the landlord of his local pub as a thank you for the memorable karaoke nights

• awarding a £123 million contract through the VIP lane to Illumina, the US biotech firm David Cameron works for

• awarding a PPE contract to a lingerie model because, let’s be honest, who was going to turn her down? Not Matt “boner” Hancock, that’s for sure!

Impressively, Matt secured the most environmentally-friendly PPE in the world, made from recycled Asda carrier bags, courtesy of MedPro which is inexplicably being sued for £120 million. None of this makes any sense.

After Matt was sacked as Health Secretary, everything fell apart and the PPE contracts he secured worth £9 billion were shockingly written off. Obviously, this would never have happened if Matt had kept his job.

The National Crime Agency is launching an investigation into the Covid contracts, but they’ve assured the government no Tory MPs will face prosecution. Matt is therefore praying they finish their investigation before his time as an MP comes to an end at the next election.

As Matt pointed out, he couldn’t have broken any rules because he was simply taking credit for the work others did. He explained he got less work done as health secretary than Nadine Dorries when she went on a two-year bender and forgot to privatise Channel 4. However, he contradicted himself by boasting he personally wheeled Covid patients into care homes as part of his herd immunity strategy. His lawyer then elbowed him and whispered “shut up” through the corner of his mouth.

Matt insisted he didn’t personally sign off contracts because he was too busy shagging his secretary, Gina Coledangelo, in his ministerial office. He gushed lockdown was the best time of his life because he was “falling in love” while everyone in the country stayed home, including his wife of 15 years and three children.

When Matt wasn’t falling in love with secretaries, he was eating a kangaroo’s penis on I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here because his family hadn’t suffered enough humiliation. But perhaps he is most famous for getting a boner on TV while shuffling towards Wendy Maisey as though toying with the idea of humping her leg. Lucky woman.

Matt might have been publicly humiliated, but we should not forget everything he’s done for the country. He showed he was a man of the people by crying on TV (and accidentally smirking) when he saw the first Brit getting a Covid vaccine, and he praised England footballer “Daniel Rashford” after someone called Marcus Rashford forced the government to u-turn on free school meals.

Personally, I can’t think of anyone with a more impressive CV than Matt. Did you know he was appointed a UN special representative to tackle Covid-19 in Africa? But sadly the offer was withdrawn when the UN realised they were giving a job to Matt Hancock. It turns out the UN thinks he’s a twat as well x

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