RIP to all the American soldiers who are about to die because Israel can't fight its own wars

American soldiers are about to die in the most courageous, heroic way possible: to save a paedophile ring from accountability. The Epstein class has issued a statement thanking its pawns for their coming sacrifice, saying: “Many of you will die, but that is a price Israel is willing to pay.”

As Israel loves to start wars it can’t fight, it cleverly set up the Epstein ring in a plan that was decades in the making. The aim was to gather enough kompromat on US presidents so that it could one day order them to fight the ultimate war against Iran. Israel is extremely grateful to Americans for being dumb enough to elect the worst possible people. Without their gullibility, World War III just wouldn’t be possible.

Thanks to child rape and human sacrifice, the Greater Israel Project is finally under way. Perhaps the most exciting part of the story is that when the Epstein class wins, they will have full control of everything. You know the AI-powered concentration camps they’ve got planned for Gaza? You’re all gonna be living in one of those! Isn’t it exciting? When Israel emerges victorious, the goyim will finally know their place…

All it will take for the Greater Israel Project to become reality is one final, Iran-sized sacrifice to Ba’al. With that goal in mind, freedom bombs have been raining on Tehran throughout the night to turn a thriving Islamist hellscape into democratic rubble.

Just know the US was so concerned about the Iranian protesters that were beaten to death by Mossad that it has decided to kill many thousands more Iranians. I saw heart-warming footage of a dying Iranian feminist, reaching her arm from the rubble as she gasped: “Thank you for liberating me, President Trump”. She tore off her hijab with a broken arm before taking her last breath. It was truly the most girl boss thing I have ever seen.

It’s not all happy news though—the Iranian military has launched its own strikes in retaliation and Tel Aviv is currently going boom. Even worse, US aircraft carriers might soon go kerplunk, if those hypersonic missiles have a say in the matter. I’m sure you are frantic with worry, but we need to remain vigilant until victory comes.

I want you to understand President Trump joined this war for entirely altruistic reasons—to save you from seeing his hideous penis in the Epstein files. I’m sure you’re extremely grateful for the president’s brave sacrifice of his own men and women. Personally, I would sacrifice all of you to avoid seeing that shit…

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