Rishi Sunak explains the single market is brilliant...
and also dreadful, depending on which idiot you're pandering to
Rishi Sunak has saved Brexit and the Good Friday Peace Agreement by doing all the things the Tories did not want to do in Northern Ireland, and his party insists this is brilliant, even though previously it would’ve been dreadful. You are not supposed to keep track of the contradictions, you are supposed to immediately forget them!
Rishi has carved his name in history by undermining everything his party has said on Northern Ireland for the last seven years and created the “world’s most exciting economic zone”. Northern Ireland has the benefits of being in the UK and the benefits of being in the single market, which is almost as many benefits as it had in the EU. That was a terrible time and we are so lucky to have escaped because this deal with fewer benefits is so much better for everyone. Please keep your brain switched off, idiot.
Rishi has ruled out letting the rest of the UK join Northern Ireland in the "world's most exciting economic zone" because we don’t deserve excitement. We deserve crumbling infrastructure, the delusion of being “world-beating” and four-hour passport queues when we travel abroad to experience foreign delicacies like salad.
Not even Scotland will be allowed to join the single market, even though every constituency in Scotland and two-thirds of their voters chose remain. This is because we must respect the will of the minority who voted the way we wanted them to vote.
The thing about the single market is it’s brilliant but also dreadful, depending on whether we are talking about Northern Ireland or the rest of the UK. There is no objective reality and truth is defined by whichever idiot you are pandering to in the present moment.
Rishi has clarified that Leave UK’s ties with Russian officials were nothing to worry about because Putin definitely never wanted this, and only lefties who oppose poverty are doing Putin’s bidding.
Three things to remember: the EU will be amazing for Ukraine, the single market will be amazing for Northern Ireland and both of these things would be terrible for the people whose biggest fear is a brown person in a dinghy. Foreigners were always the reason our government is staggeringly corrupt and incompetent. Just get ready to harvest your turnips on those sunlit uplands because we sure as hell don’t have any EU workers to do it for us.
It's going to be awkward when Northern Ireland's economy improves and their sewage fumes dissipate and the rest of the UK continues to stink, isn't it? Imagine the outrage as tomato imports to Northern Ireland soar by 400% but everyone in mainland Britain is left out. Don’t we deserve tomatoes too? What about cucumbers? Citrus fruits? If you get scurvy, don’t forget to blame the EU!
Remember, those bastards still won’t let us skip passport queues because they think it’s acceptable to treat us like we’re not an EU member state when we are not an EU member state.
As promised, there is no border in Northern Ireland, apart from the border we created with Northern Ireland. The DUP are spitting feathers and they might try their own rebellion, but given they think people were riding dinosaurs 6,000 years ago, we probably don’t have to worry about them. I’m sure Rishi can give them another £1 billion bribe or something.
It’s not all good news for Northern Ireland though. I must bring you the sad news the EU has forced them to have red passports and mercilessly destroyed their fishing industry. Even worse, it stole their sovereignty when no one was looking, changed the energy output of their lightbulbs, gave their prisoners gold-plated cutlery, and sent ten million foreigners to steal their minimum-wage jobs. You don’t want to know what those monsters are planning to do to the shape of bananas. Still, Northern Ireland is the world’s most exciting economic zone and that counts for something, right?
Northern Ireland gets the benefits and drawbacks of the single market, but Britain gets to keep its turd beaches and tax avoidance so on balance I think everyone wins. Rishi’s Brexit deal is so fantastic that our greatest prime minister ever - Boris Johnson - called off a rebellion because he could only find about 10-15 people willing to back him - and they’re the people he gave knighthoods to.
After Johnson’s oven-ready deal exploded in the microwave, Jacob Rees-Mogg was given the role of Minister for Brexit Opportunities because it would be wrong to leave a 376-year-old unemployed. Jacob found so many Brexit opportunities, you could count them on one hand with no fingers, but we have since signed a deal with New Zealand to import pencils worth £42 a year, and another one with Iceland, but that might have been the store.
We were promised lower food prices after Brexit and this promise was kind of true because we don’t have any food, apart from turnips. The price of most of the things we used to buy is technically zero because they’re no longer available anywhere. The Nazis imposed rations on the war generation and the Tories imposed rations on the woke generation. Isn’t it wonderful how history repeats itself?
Brexit Britain is a beautiful place where not a single person feels let down: not the fishermen who were promised we would scrap EU fishing regulations and kept them anyway, not the nurses who were promised £350 million a week for the NHS and got pay cuts instead, not the businesses who were promised an end to red tape and got wrapped in so much tape it resembled a hostage situation, not the workers who were promised higher wages and saw their pay rises wiped out by double-digit inflation, not the people who were promised a £64 reduction in their energy bills and got the highest energy bills in Europe. None of these people were let down because we TOOK BACK CONTROL.
Any reasonable person understood perfectly what was coming, but we couldn’t fit all that on the Brexit bus so we lied to save a bit of space.
Unfortunately, our former prime minister Theresa May is not and never was a “reasonable person”. She has revealed that when she said “Brexit means Brexit” she had no fucking idea what that meant, but even she is confident our fourth version of Brexit is the definitive one for now.
Jacob Rees-Mogg, on the other hand, was so incensed by the deal, he marched outside to have stern words with the prime minister, but immediately caught fire and disappeared in a swarm of bats.
When Priti Patel was told of the deal, she screamed so loud the windows on the building above her torture dungeon shattered and Mark Francois picked his nose and ate it before asking “What’s a Brexit?” Good question, Mark!
Prince Charles, sorry King Charles (I keep forgetting) was happy to support the Northern Ireland deal and I’m sure this won’t turn out to be a remotely divisive move. I’m also sure the rest of the UK won’t get jealous when Northern Ireland flourishes and demand they join the single market too. If they did that, it would be a matter of time until they asked to join the best version of the single market - the EU itself - and that would obviously be terrible. We are so lucky to have escaped x
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