Rishi Sunak promises tax cuts for your favourite people: landlords

Thank god someone is finally thinking of the landlords

During a wage-price spiral when your wages have not spiralled but your rent certainly has, I know what you’re all most concerned about: your landlord! Therefore, you will be delighted to hear that Rishi Sunak is introducing the policy we all need most after national service, that policy is a tax cut for your landlord!

In a scintillating speech that showed all the passion and charisma of a text-to-voice generator or a call centre menu system, Rishi said: “If Akshata doesn't have to pay her fair share of taxes, I don't see why your landlord should!”

Yes, Rishi is showing he’s in touch with younger voters by giving away money to people who already get free money while making 18 year olds give up their weekends to do free labour. Hopefully, next we can see policies to help out traffic wardens and bailiffs while making retirees pick fruit for their state pensions. Maybe we can also supplement bankers’ bonuses and we’ll be looking at the best manifesto ever!

Predictably, the tax cut for landlords has been met with objection from the Labour Party who’ve said they would not cut taxes for landlords, they would instead consider reducing the taxes that landlords have to pay. This news will come as a huge relief to everyone who doesn’t believe in extreme socialist policies such as not giving money to landlords. Those stupid socialists just want free stuff, don’t they?

Clearly, anyone who doesn’t want their landlord’s taxes to be cut (or reduced) is anti-landlord. What do you mean, what’s your point? Only bad people would object to paying their landlord’s mortgages for them, you lazy shit! Now give me one good reason why you haven’t been tipping your landlord and don’t even mention the cost of living crisis.

You get a brilliant deal out of tenancy because not only does your landlord cover the cost of repairs with the money you give him, but you are forced to live with his generic décor in a home that doesn’t have to be fit for human habitation, and you are not even allowed to own a pet! Also, you are faced with above-inflation rent increases and the exciting possibility of being forced to move house every year. Thank god the ban on no-fault evictions was postponed.

Rishi insists his plans would boost the housing market by undoing 1/10,000th of the damage caused by Liz Truss (the one who was prime minister between Boris Johnson and the lettuce and was not, in fact, a fever dream). The tax burden might be the highest in UK history, but the government that has been in power for 14 years is quick to warn us that if the other party wins, they might increase taxes by £2,000. Obviously, the Tories would never do that… to landlords.

After tripling the national debt, squandering £92 billion on HS2 and £37 billion on a Dido Harding, and basically abolishing the idea of public services, despite taxing us more than ever before, Rishi Sunak insisted: “We are the party of Margaret Thatcher and Nigella Lawson, a party, unlike Labour, that believes in sound money!”

Anyone who doesn’t believe that will be telling me the tooth fairy isn’t real, trickledown economics doesn’t work, Eat Out to Help Out wasn't a roaring success, and being a landlord doesn’t count as a real job x

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