Rishi Sunak takes inspiration from Russia and Belarus

This is a great step forward for human rights

Defender of democracy Rishi Sunak will campaign the next election on leaving the European Convention on Human Rights after taking inspiration from his friends in Russia and Belarus. It’s understood Sunak sought advice from his donor Lord Lebedev of Siberia and his most trusted employees at Infosys who think it’s a brilliant idea.

The ECHR was set up after World War 2 with the help of leftie bastard Winston Churchill to protect Europeans from abuses by the state. The British state would like you to know you do not need to be protected from abuses by the British state.

Clearly, the ECHR is a threat to democracy because it extends human rights to people who don’t count as human, such as refugees and Labour voters. Rest assured, the government has no intention of violating your human rights if you fully agree with them and remain compliant.

Our democracy can only be saved by the politicians who introduced voter-suppressing ID laws and gerrymandering, the anti-protest bill and the spy cops bill - and who plan to introduce the death penalty for people who hold up blank pieces of paper.

The ECHR is responsible for atrocities such as justice for the victims of Hillsborough and legal protections for homosexuality. The Tories have promised to bring back the electric shock therapy that cured Alan Turing by, um, let’s not go there…

The home office has explained it can’t be as cruel as it would like because it’s being “punished for Brexit” by Europe which is strange because we hold all the cards. Plus, we saved our economy by signing a £462 deal to import pencil sharpeners from the Philippines so we don’t need them anyway.

One thing is clear, we must leave the ECHR to escape the EU which is nothing to do with the ECHR. Also, we’ve already left the EU and everything is going brilliantly, apart from when we say it’s going terribly. It’s Schrödinger Brexit!

Rest assured, leaving the ECHR will come with a list of benefits as long as the list of Brexit benefits. Among other things, it will let us be as cruel as humanly possible towards refugees, lefties and working class children.

The government has announced exciting plans to reintroduce the cane to British schools, and a big whacking stick to British workplaces. This would not be possible if we were to keep human rights. So many exciting possibilities are opening up now.

Suella Braverman’s eyes beamed as she explained leaving the ECHR will enable her to board a submarine and torpedo refugee dinghies like a game of Battleship. It’s her lifelong dream! Well, her other lifelong dream, now that the Rwanda thing is dead.

The ERG explained leaving the ECHR will boost your human rights in the same way the Brexit bus boosted the NHS by £350 million a week. Are you feeling reassured yet? Brexit ended freedom of movement and this proved so successful that immigration actually increased. This is despite the fact all the EU workers pissed off home!

What’s important is we took control of our borders, at least for a while. Sadly, those borders are now under the control of leftie lawyers and Suella is powerless to stop them because something called “the law” is on their side.

In a sensible move, the government will introduce “political affiliation checks” for lawyers and make it illegal to take court action when the government acts illegally. Any lawyer who refuses to pledge allegiance to the Margaret Thatcher statue, holding up a copy of Atlas Shrugged, will be imprisoned on the Bibby Stockholm and sent out to sea with nothing but tofu to eat x

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