Rishi Sunak vows to destroy all of humanity to win election

This is quite literally a scorched earth policy!

Rishi Sunak has vowed to do what every sane person has been crying out for to win the next general election: eradicate all life on Earth. He apologised that the Tory cull known as “austerity” failed to eradicate unemployed and disabled people and promised to do better.

Sunak’s ambition is to destroy all hope for younger generations, even after his government is gone, by abandoning net zero commitments out of pure, unadulterated spite and insatiable greed. The heartwarming move was welcomed by Suella Braverman who said: “It’s thirteen hundred degrees where Margaret Thatcher is so I don’t see the problem.”

Sunak is confident that eradicating all life on Earth should be enough to claw back two to three percentage points in the polls. Sadly, Sunak needs at last count, 26 points to achieve a stalemate. Perhaps he can upgrade his plans to eradicate all life in the galaxy. This is the only way to ensure that teenagers with blue hair and people who listen to Sam Smith are gone forever.

It is understood Sunak made his brave decision to cause mass extinction after taking advice from the UK’s finest economist, Liz Truss (the one who added £250 a month to your mortgage and thinks you’re wrong to complain). Now I don’t know about you, but I’m confident that if anyone can figure out how to wipe out all life in the galaxy, it’s Liz Truss.

Personally, I think we should put her on the next SpaceX flight to Kronos so she can work her diplomatic magic and release a decade’s worth of CO2 in the process. Just remind her of the selfie opportunities with Lieutenant Worf and a bat’leth and she’ll be gone quicker than you can say “anti-growth coalition”.

Among the government’s noble plans are delaying the switch to electric vehicles and phasing out gas boilers - moves that would benefit absolutely no one but thrill their gullible voter base who don’t want “anything to do with that sustainability nonsense” because they’re old anyway, so who cares?

Personally, I can’t think of a better way to punish the kids for being woke than to leave them an extinction event in their inheritance. An asteroid would be more fun, but a Biblical flood is still a hell of a way to go! If they don’t like it, they should bloody well pull themselves up by their bootstraps or something.

Sunak eloquently explained:

“For too many years, politicians in governments of all stripes have not been honest about costs and trade-offs. Instead, they have taken the easy way out, saying we can have it all.

"This realism doesn't mean losing our ambition or abandoning our commitments. Far from it.

"I am proud that Britain is leading the world on climate change."

“Easy way out” would mean taking actions that are not only affordable but better for the environment and future generations. “Have it all” would mean not having crop failures, droughts, famines, floods, wildfires, desertification, bleached coral reefs, homeless polar bears, and extreme weather events such as summer in Scotland (everywhere else will be uninhabitable).

As you can see, it’s young people who want to “have it all” and not the man with 11 heated swimming pools. Kids these days want everything easy. Honestly, they should look at the man who is worth £700 million and tries really hard to “inadvertently” avoid paying his taxes. Sunak would like you to know the UK is a world leader in not zero because we are leading the way in avoiding meaningful climate action.

On the plus side, Sunak has promised he will not ban you from eating meat or force you to eat insects, although it is his personal view that insects are too good for working class children. Also, he won’t ban anyone from flying because in his economy no one can afford to fly anyway so what would be the point?

One of Sunak’s daughters said: “Daddy, is it true that you’re going to turn Earth into Venus to win the next election?”

To which Sunak replied: “Yes, but don’t worry, darling, my generation won’t be around to suffer the consequences of the runaway greenhouse effect, but yours will. Good luck.”

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