Rishi Sunak's best friend to investigate conflict of interests

The prime minister says this is the best way to ensure fairness and impartiality

Our latest prime minister, Rishi Sunak, the one who promised honesty and integrity, has invited his best mate Steve to conduct an independent investigation into whether he failed to declare a conflict of interests.

Rishi was the best man at Steve’s wedding and is the godfather of his golden retriever / cocker spaniel cross who is called Steve Jr. As such, Steve is the best person to conduct this tricky investigation in a fair and impartial manner.

There is some ambiguity over whether the prime minister failed to declare a conflict of interests because he was asked if he had any interests to declare and he said “no” when the correct answer was “yes”.

As such, the matter is just as unclear as the time Boris Johnson wrapped a tie around his head, necked a yard of ale and danced on a Downing Street table, singing, “Do you think I’m sexy?” during lockdown, and no one could decide if it was a work event or a party. If only we had something more substantial than video footage this time.

There was concern in Downing Street that Sunak could be the victim of a miscarriage of justice, like the time he was fined for not wearing a seat belt, just because he was filmed not wearing a seat belt, and the time he was fined for breaking lockdown, just because he had a karaoke night during lockdown. Now that Steve is on the case, we can rest assured the law will not apply to Sunak because he is a rich Tory.

If you must know, Sunak was introducing childcare reforms to benefit his wife’s childcare investment, Koru Kids, by financially incentivising childminders to join the agency. Sunak explained this was totally above board because his motivation was for his family to make lots of money from government handouts. (This is only wrong when poor people do it.)

I understand the childcare proposal would give people £600 to train as childminders and a further £600 to join the agency, meaning Koru Kids could do loads of business, thanks to this nice bit of government investment. It’s basically free recruitment.

Angela Rayner was yapping on about this non-issue to get herself some media attention yesterday, but Steve jr growled at her and thankfully she stopped talking.

The prime minister says he is confident Steve’s report will come to the correct conclusion, and when it does, Rishi expects Steve to be knighted for entirely unrelated reasons.

In addition to this, I’m told Steve jr is likely to be offered a cushy job as a government adviser, although Downing Street is not being complacent. To avoid a repeat of the Sue Gray shambles, Suella Braverman has booked a flight to Rwanda, just in case Steve comes to the wrong conclusion x

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