Santa Claus has been arrested for drunk driving (flying?)

He was delivering gifts in Australia when he was breathalysed

I must bring you the shock news that Christmas is cancelled because Santa has failed a breathalyser test and none of the elves are qualified to fly an X-35 Lightning II sleigh powered by eight unruly reindeer.

The news comes shortly after Mrs Claus left Santa for Jack Frost, and Rudolph is still in rehab, recovering from his methamphetamine addiction. Needless to say, it’s been a tough year for everyone.

On the plus side, we have the Queen’s speech to look forward to and I don’t know about you, but I cannot wait! I’ve had a sneak peek at the script and it’s easily the most exciting Queen’s speech since the last one which was in… um, 2021?

What’s that? My producers are telling me Queen Elizabeth II sadly passed away in 2022 and a bloke called Charles, who is fond of fancy dress, is standing in for her.

Let’s be honest, no one wants to see that shit, so let me briefly summarise what was in that script as best as I can remember. I’ll be sure to keep my version in good taste, unlike James Cleverly making Rohypnol jokes about his wife at the Downing Street reception. I’ll try to keep things brief so you can get back to pretending to enjoy spending time with your family. Good luck.

WARNING: I’m told Love Actually is going to be televised for the 19th Christmas in a bastard row. If need be, pour yourself a stiff drink, absolutely no one will judge you.

If you think you and Santa are having a tough time, I’m told Suella Braverman’s Christmas was fucking ruined when she heard about the Palestinian refugees called Mary and Joseph reaching these shores in a dinghy. Sadly, Suella couldn’t send them to Rwanda because she was sacked for being too much of a fascist in the most right-wing government we’ve ever had. Plus, I understand Mary is in labour (not the party) and we can’t move her because of something called “human rights”.

If it wasn’t for the woke mob, we could’ve sunk that dinghy in the English Channel, but thanks to that leftie propaganda known as “the Bible”, we have to pretend to care about refugees today, even the babies. It’s so cringe I think I’m going to explode.

Anyways, here is something to give you Christmas cheer: child malnutrition is so bad in the sixth richest country on earth that some children have bowed legs (which I believe are caused by not pulling themselves up by their bootstraps). Thankfully, your tax money is going towards good causes like genocide in the Holy Land. Can you even think of a more heartwarming Christmas story?

Rest assured, there are no problems that urgently need to be addressed at home, so the most important thing we can do is provide military support to the superpower that is fighting a war against starving children armed with rocks. Who needs festive joy and good will to all men when we can have violations of international law?

The children in Palestine might be going through unimaginable torment, but I think we should focus on the real victim of the year: Lady Michelle Mone.

The tireless public servant, who was put in the House of Lords because David Cameron fancies her, sobbed: “My bank accounts have been frozen and I can’t access my ill-gotten gains. It’s so unfair!”

When Lady Mone was consoled by her elderly father, Doug, she added: “I’ve been treated like Pablo Escobar who was fatally shot in a gun fight on the roof of his mansion after a cake, wine, and marijuana party!”

Surprisingly, Michelle was not courageous enough to go down in a blaze of glory on the Lady M yacht, that you apparently paid for. Instead, she used my TV show in a perfectly judged attempt to rehabilitate her character, convincing everyone apart from the one person who matters.

I contacted Pablo Escobar through my contact in hell (Margaret Thatcher) and he furiously objected to the Lady Mone comparison, insisting he only provided the highest quality products and none of his customers complained because if they did they would be strung up by their testicles. He insisted Lady Mone is much, much worse than he ever was. I mean it’s not like Pablo was ever suspected of £230 million benefit fraud, was he?

Lady Moan, I mean Mone explained the witch hunt is getting so out of hand that her elderly father Doug is facing additional fraud charges in Spain. You know the old saying, there is always smoke without fire? It’s like the world is forgetting the role of rich people is to fleece the tax payer and flaunt their wealth to get more Instagram followers who will be informed it’s their fault they’re poor.

If all those hungry kids had thought of a good PPE scam, they wouldn’t be suffering from bowed legs, would they? That’s the problem with this country, everyone wants something for nothing and the hard workers are punished, just because they violate government contracts and break the law.

Strangely, the government has published a graphic (that I think is going on their Christmas cards) promising: tougher punishments for anti-social behaviour, making Boris Johnson nervous; a crack down on illegal drugs, making Michael Gove nervous; and increased police presence in anti-social hotspots, presumably parliament and Downing Street.

It genuinely looks like they’re not stopping at Lady Mone. They might be the first government in history to lock themselves and their cronies up. Even worse, the Epstein documents could be about to embarrass that wealthy paedophile called Andrew. Let’s be honest, this is all getting a bit weird and we can only hope someone sees sense.

Personally, I will be spending my Christmas praying that Lady Moan is found not guilty of those fraud charges, but that seems as likely as Rishi Sunak being in a job this time next year. I will also be praying that Santa Claus goes down for ruining Christmas because fuck him.

I'll be honest with you, I can't actually remember what was in Charles' script (because it was really boring) so I'm just going to wish you all the best and hope your new year is slightly less awful than 2023, unless you're a leftie, of course. If you're a leftie, everything bad is your fault x

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