Scotland Yard agrees it’s fine to bribe King Charles
If you have a suitcase of cash, you can buy a CBE
Scotland Yard has dropped an investigation into King Charles following ridiculous cash-for-honours allegations. The investigation concluded bribery is how all honours are awarded, apart from the ones awarded through blackmail.
This means there was nothing unusual about Charles being recorded receiving a suitcase of cash from a Saudi billionaire. Let’s be honest, this could happen to anyone who has the ability to bestow honours, thanks to the magic blood they inherited from their mother.
Receiving suitcases of cash is normal because kings do not get rich making their own money, they get rich taking someone else’s money! This is essential for Britain’s tourism industry which was Charles’ only concern.
From the beginning, the royal family were so confident of Charles’ innocence that his aide Michael Fawcett was forced to resign in disgrace. It’s always best to let one of your aides take the blame for the thing you totally never did. This shows the public you are accountable.
Philanthropist, Dr Mahfouz Marei Mubarak bin Mahfouz, has hardly any information about him on his charity’s website, but he does have the honour of a wood, fountain, garden and building named after him, to remind you he is one of the world’s most generous philanthropists.
philanthropist
noun
a person who hoards huge amounts of wealth and gives away tiny portions of stolen money to improve their public image, often to be rewarded with tax breaks or honours for their generosity. Philanthropists are the nicest of the nice and superior to you in every way.
Among the good causes Mr Philanthropist has donated to are Oxbridge colleges and the royal residences Dumfries House and the Castle of Mey. This means Mahfouz has supported the most needy individuals in the UK throughout the cost of living crisis.
As a result of this generosity, Mahfouz was given an honourary CBE in a private ceremony in 2016 that was supposed to be kept secret. This CBE came after Mahfouz’s aides spent five years contacting the Prince of Wales and asking what he could do for a CBE.
Note: I can confirm the Prince of Wales and King Charles are technically the same person, but the Prince of Wales is also someone else now. This is highly confusing, I know!
Mahfouz was super happy to land a CBE because it looked brilliant on his CV and helped him with British Citizenship through a golden visa in the tier one investment scheme. To qualify for a golden visa, you must invest £2 million in the UK - and giving a suitcase of cash to the king definitely counts as investment. As you can see, our honours system is non-corruptible and Scotland Yard has done an outstanding job.
A spokesman for King Charles explained it’s “perfectly normal” to receive suitcases of cash from billionaires because “how the fuck else is one supposed to pay the heating bill on 30 palaces?”
Without this money, there was a real risk of British Gas breaking into Buckingham Palace to install a prepayment meter. I understand Charles even had to raid a food bank for his latest royal banquet.
The king’s spokesman recommended that food bank users befriend billionaires associated with head-chopping regimes if they’re worried about British Gas sending the bailiffs. If they don’t, they only have themselves to blame x
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Nice takedown of philanthropy in general and your current management,
Truer words were never spoken: " bribery is how all honours are awarded, apart from the ones awarded through blackmail."
True in royalty, true in academia, true in art. Bribery takes many forms.