Senator Lindsey Graham promises to destroy the UK economy if we arrest Netanyahu

Isn't it brilliant having allies like the US?

Prime Minister Starmer has confirmed the UK both would and would not arrest wanted fugitive Benjamin Netanyahu if he ever visited the UK. This is because we respect international law, but we do not deal with hypotheticals, okay? You would think the prime minister’s fence-sitting would get him off the hook here, but sadly not. US senator Lindsey Graham has promised to destroy our economy if we arrest Netanyahu. In fact, he said the Trump administration would destroy our economy even faster than they will destroy their own economy.

Senator Graham let slip that if Netanyahu and Gallant go to prison for their war crimes, he and his colleagues might be next. While this sounds worrying, the fact Graham feels comfortable confessing his war crimes shows he’s not that concerned. The US has a Hague Invasion Act and Senator Tom Cotton is not afraid to use it. Senator Graham has vowed to sanction any country that complies with ICC arrest warrants, a stance that is entirely unrelated to the $1,000,580 that AIPAC generously gave him.

Senator Graham is not just making a stand for the war criminals of Israel, he is making a stand for the mineral resources of Ukraine. He has proudly announced the Trump administration will loot the war-ravaged country to enrich themselves with up to seven trillion dollars of rare minerals. I believe this is called saying the quiet part loud. If you were under the impression the looted wealth would be used to benefit ordinary Americans, you would be sorely mistaken. No one gives a fuck about those!

Incumbent president Trump has announced exciting plans to emulate the 52% poverty rate of Argentina. I’m unclear if Graham’s promise to extend this policy to the UK is an offer or a threat. Obviously, it would be unfair for the US to get all the disaster capitalism. The prime minister’s owner, BlackRock, is keen to buy our housing and farmland, and anything else of worth, which, let’s be honest, is not much. Still, BlackRock is keen to own the rubble of Ukraine so I can’t say they’re particularly fussy. The world’s most evil corporation is happy to exploit any shithole, even the north of England.

Sir Keir Starmer has explained there is no economic reason for his partnership with BlackRock, just like there is no moral reason for his support for genocide. He's just evil. This explains why he plans to replace the welfare system with assisted dying vouchers. Who would want to stay on this wretched island a second longer anyway? The brilliant thing about the free market is it gives us a choice. This is why disabled people who refuse to work will be given the choice of benefits sanctions or euthanasia.

The prime minster has declared war on “benefits Britain” which is confusing everyone who thought he was about to declare war on Russia. Perhaps benefits sanctions are a more efficient way of culling our workshy population. God knows we need to do something about the jobless layabouts. Thankfully, the prime minister has vowed to crack down on the “economically inactive" who want to live off “handouts”. I’m told the royal family are now feeling rather nervous.

The current situation represents a dramatic turnaround from last year when we spent the wages of 2,057 nurses on the king’s coronation. I don't know about you, but I think it was worth sending nurses to foodbanks so the rich man could play fancy dress for the day. He must get bored shitless doing nothing in his palaces, other than yelling at his servants.

One thing I’m unclear on is if the royal family is given the chop, does this mean Larry Fink will become our head of state? I’ve no idea, I just know Starmer's premiership is going so well that one million people have signed a petition demanding a general election, just because Labour has broken every manifesto promise. Some people are so fucking unreasonable. What do you lot want from our politicians? Honesty? x

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