Senior Tories are worried they could be seen as the nasty party

Do you want to tell them or shall I?

Senior Tories have warned Rishi Sunak and Legionella Braverman the Conservatives could be seen as the “nasty party” with their “divisive attack on human rights”. God only knows what they think they’ve been perceived as since 1834, but I can assure those senior Tories the public have always seen them as complete and utter bastards!

Given 46% of British children are so poor they’ve never tasted a Pot Noodle, 53% of pensioners have to burn their photo albums to keep warm in winter, and disabled people have to work if they can move one of their limbs, most people are well aware the government doesn’t give the slightest shit (the rest of the public are babies or in a coma).

The Tory approach since day one has been to be complete and utter bastards, but to convince 43% of the public it’s lunacy to elect a government who won’t be bastards towards foreigners and poor people. Those voters don’t really take much convincing, but senior Tories are concerned their supporters could realise they’re coming for them too. That’s the thing about human rights, you can’t get rid of them for people you don’t like without getting rid of them for yourself! The law is stupid that way.

For the sake of the nation, we must therefore emphasise that our loss of human rights is coming with huge benefits. For example, the refugees who crossed the channel before Thérèse Coffey’s shit barrier was erected are to face mandatory legionnaire’s showers and their asylum applications are to be postponed until after they have died. This policy will save the tax payer £0.00 a year.

Any refugee accommodation that tests negative for legionella bacteria is to be immediately closed down because these people cannot expect to stay in five star hotels. This policy will also save the tax payer £0.00 a year.

The government was facing pressure to deal with the migrant invasion they entirely made up, but that problem has finally been solved by the ring of sewage that turned our island into a fortress (or a prison, depending on your perspective).

The government was also facing pressure to deal with the bathroom problem they entirely made up, but that’s been sorted because they’ve appointed Matt Hancock as toilet tsar. Yes, Matt is making his big political comeback because there is no one in the country who is better at protecting women! The man who is so restrained, he resisted humping a woman’s leg on TV when he got a boner will be checking genitalia to ensure people are using the correct bathroom. I bet you’re feeling reassured now.

I know I certainly am. I was in a restaurant the other day and it was horrible. It had a gender-neutral bathroom so I screamed for five minutes straight and then I submitted a complaint about the transparent cubicles. I’ve no idea if the cubicles were transparent, but they could have been and that’s clearly unacceptable. Personally, I will feel much safer when I see Matt Hancock guarding the ladies’ room. That will be one major problem taken care of, but the government is not stopping there.

The Tories are taking care of another major problem - peace in Northern Ireland - by vowing to leave the European Convention on Human Rights. This will enable us to finally get rid of the Good Friday Agreement, and this is definitely what we need because everything else has gone tits up, so why not bring back the troubles?

Rest assured, our departure from the ECHR is being masterminded by the ERG’s finest intellectuals like, um, Mark François, so I’ve no doubt this will work out just as well as Brexit - and to think, some of you scoffed at the idea of sunlit uplands!

The only problem left to deal with now is the ridiculous net-zero policy that would give us cheap, clean and renewable energy. Thankfully, the government has come up with the solution of drilling for oil and gas that won’t provide us with energy until 2050, at which point there won’t be old Tories left for zoomers to say “I told you so” to. If they complain before then, we will bring back national service because young people are definitely the problem with this country.

This strategy is obviously ingenious because it means the government will escape accountability, but strangely, not all Tories see it that way. A Tory mayor called Andy Street “believes in the whole notion of everyone in society succeeding together and particularly believes in the green agenda”, leaving everyone to wonder what the fuck he is doing in the Conservative Party. Even Labour doesn’t come out with leftie nonsense like that anymore!

Even stranger, Tory MP John Howell was concerned the UK government could be compared to the governments of Russia and Belarus. A mortified Russia and Belarus have therefore issued a joint statement:

“We might be bloodthirsty bastards, but we are most certainly not as embarrassing as the fucking Tories!”

I understand John Howell has apologised for the embarrassment caused and hopes this will not stop Russia from donating to the Conservative Party. Russia insisted it will do whatever it takes to keep the worst political party in the western world in power until the UK is completely destroyed x

Thank you so much for letting me vent! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. It helps me more than you realise. Writing is my full-time job, meaning I am so broke and without this blog supplementing my income, I cannot pay the bills! x