Senior Tories suspect Suella Braverman might actually be racist
Literally no one had suspected this before now
A number of senior Tories have put forward the stunning hypothesis that Suella Braverman might actually be racist. The home secretary who is taking away the right to claim asylum and trafficking refugees to Rwanda has always seemed the very opposite of racist. But now she is accused of being just that.
Obviously, for legal reasons, I must point out this hypothesis is unproven, just like it’s unproven that Prince Andrew is a sweaty nonce, Boris Johnson is allergic to contraception, and Liz Truss does not have a rudimentary grasp of economics. But the fact it’s even being considered at all is stunning. I’m even hearing the Tories are close to establishing that the Earth orbits the Sun and is not, in fact, a pancake. 2023 could be the year of completely unexpected discoveries.
So what could possibly have prompted senior Tories to suspect their most prominent anti-racist might secretly be a racist?
Well, last month Suella said that British Pakistani men “hold cultural attitudes completely incompatible with British values”. She also suggested that grooming was almost exclusively a British Pakistani problem, despite police data showing that grooming gangs are most commonly white.
On top of this, she used the fascistic language of describing refugees crossing the channel as an “invasion”, and most recently, she defended a pub that had golliwog dolls on display.
If you’re 12 years old and therefore unclear of the significance of this, golliwogs are racist caricatures designed to treat black men as objects of ridicule.
Suella insisted that police “should not be getting involved in this kind of nonsense”. Apparently, she does not feel it’s the role of the police to deal with incidents of racism because this could lead to her being arrested.
The pub landlord, Christopher Ryley, was pictured wearing a Britain First t-shirt and reportedly used a picture of a golliwog online while joking about the Mississippi lynchings. However, Christopher would like you to know the golliwog definitely isn’t racist and neither is he.
Now I’m conflicted because Christopher comes across as such a convincing anti-racist, but then again, so did Suella, so you never know, do you?
I’m super-confused. I’d always been told that because Suella is a non-white home secretary, that she couldn’t possibly be racist and we should celebrate her smashing a glass ceiling, whatever that means. Sadly, the Tories have decided that idea was bollocks, after all.
Baroness Warsi has explained “Black and brown people can be racist too”, even if they’re not insufferable lefties.
When lefties said Suella was racist, it definitely wasn’t true, but now that senior Tories are saying this, it must be true because we always establish truth by what Tories decide is most electable. I’m afraid there is no method that could be more objective.
Personally, I’m waiting for the Tories to tell me if it’s racist to want black and brown people to drown in the sea. I’m also waiting for them to tell me if it’s racist to deport British citizens to a country they’ve never visited. And finally, I’m waiting for them to tell me if Boris Johnson is racist for constantly writing things like: “c**n, n*groid, w*g, hottentot, piccannies, watermelon smiles, letterboxes, and so on. Obviously, us British are far too stupid to decide what counts as racist until a senior Tory decides for us x
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Crumbs! Confused of Guildford! What to think, eh?
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