Serial child rapist avoids prison after agreeing to bomb mountain
It counted as community service...
Serial child rapist Donald Trump has avoided prison after agreeing to bomb a mountain as community service. Lots of confused paedophiles across the US are unsure why they weren't also given this offer.
US president Benjamin Netanyahu agreed to spare Trump after realising he was the only person in the world stupid enough to think he could blow up a mountain. Netanyahu wanted that mountain blown up because there used to be an enemy base underneath, but that base was emptied months ago. Still, it was necessary to bomb the mountain because Israel is losing the war it started badly and needs to pretend it is having success.
Netanyahu could hardly admit that several Israeli cities have been obliterated for nothing. He has left his country looking messier than a teenager's bedroom after attacking Iran without realising it could fight back. Ironically, he did this because he too wanted to stay out of prison. It's weird how all these men who should be in prison are taking us so close to World War III, isn't it?
Anyways, Trump bombed the Iranian mountain six times throughout the night in the hope of causing a humanitarian catastrophe. He was hoping that enriched uranium was stored underneath the mountain. However, the Iranians were careful to keep all the uranium out of Trump's reach like an adult hiding matches from a dribbling moron. This means the Trump incident was not Chernobyl II and actually didn't achieve much at all.
After blowing his load on the mountain, Trump declared the mission a "total success", even though the mountain is surprisingly still standing. He said he is "hopeful" the successful mission means his "nudes will be erased from the Epstein files". Let's be honest, no one needs to see those.
When Trump asked if his name will be cleared, an Israeli spokesman said: "Don't be silly, you haven't sent any troops to die for Israel yet, you fucking idiot."
Excitingly, it looks like many American troops could be about to die to help Trump stay out of prison. You can't expect Israelis to fight their own war, can you? I mean Americans just love dying for Israel and the Israelis are far too busy killing women and children in Gaza x
Thank you so much for reading my outstanding journalism! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. Your support is hugely appreciated x
Even your outstanding journalism can't pry a smile out of me, given the subject matter, but I do find it reassuring, to hear such issues reported with all due sarcasm.
Thank you, Laura 💕
Seriously, you can’t make this shit up. Bibi didn’t even use lube.