Sewage problem solved by keeping mouths closed while swimming
Wessex Water finds solution to them dumping shit in the sea
Wessex Water has come in for praise after finding an ingenious solution to the problem of them and other water companies dumping enormous amounts of shit into our rivers, lakes and seas: they have explained you should keep your mouth shut while swimming (and also keep your mouth shut about their environmental destruction to avoid embarrassing them).
Environmental director of Wessex Water, Ruth Barden recently said the following:
“The only way you will not get ill from consuming water is if you consume tap water. If you go swimming with your mouth open it is not free from bacteria, so that is something to be aware of.”
In other words, if you catch Polio or E. Coli from Wessex Water’s next colossal shit deposit, it’s your fault because you’re stupid! Everyone knows you definitely can’t get sick by swimming in raw sewage unless you open your mouth and drink several pints of it. This is science, folks!
Local swimmers in Dorset became ill last year after sewage was discharged by Wessex Water, so Ruth Barden tracked them down and screamed in their faces “You lot are stupid!” and “It’s all your fault for drinking our shit, you idiots!” following up with “Everyone knows it’s perfectly safe to swim in sewage with your mouth closed.”
The investigations which have concluded that none of England’s rivers are safe to swim in are obviously just leftie conspiracy theories. This is because raw sewage is often heavily diluted by rainwater - and diluted raw sewage is definitely no biggie. Also, we famously never have summer-long droughts in this country, ever.
Ruth Barden has furiously attacked the “misrepresentation” of Wessex Water’s shit dumping policy, insisting such actions are “permitted and compliant and often have no adverse environmental impact”.
But when questioned, Ruth said, “No, I definitely would not swim in that shit! What do you think I am? Fucking crazy?”
I understand Ruth has met with the prime minister (who I believe is currently Rishi Sunak, but it changes quite a lot so who knows?) and she asked him to ban people from drinking sewage. Ruth explained that idiots who drink sewage are spoiling her employer’s perfectly sensible shit-dumping policy and we need to put a stop to this menace.
Wessex Water only had 1,055 sewage pollution incidents in 2020/21. I honestly don’t know why Surfers Against Sewage are whining so much.
As you can see, sewage drinkers are definitely the problem here and if we simply jail them, it will all go away. We can get then back to the fine British tradition of taking our children paddling as turds float past their ankles and used condoms wash up on the beach x
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Prosecutions should be prolific,& made public to the areas affected by these water authorities & heads of dept. Jailed if found guilty.
I’m sure this was the advice when I was a kid in the 60s. So we’ve managed to travel back 60 years fantastic.