Shabana Mahmoud announces that she is actually Nigel Farage wearing a latex mask

For the longest time, Labour said: “You can’t change things unless you win power” and the moment Labour won power, the one thing it changed was… itself. While Labour supporters celebrated a victory that turned increasingly sour, the real winner of this “change” was the Reform Party which has managed to get its first ever home secretary - an incredible achievement.

Shabana Mahmoud is the mastermind behind Labour’s strategy to mimic the approach of Denmark’s Social Democrats on immigration which led to sweeping election losses. While their policy garnered approval from the far right (which is the most important thing), the public then voted for a far-right party (which is the other most important thing).

Shabana hoped to repeat the success of Denmark’s Social Democrats in the UK so she cunningly came up with brilliant ideas, such as stealing the jewellery from asylum seekers. She even decided to deport refugees who have been in the country for less than 20 years, even if they have found jobs, got married, had children, and bought a house. Reassuringly, she plans to deport their children who were born here. The point is those kids are at least as brown as Shabana and we hate them for it.

When Shabana is criticised for her policies, she reminds us that she has been called “a fucking p*ki” before, and as a victim of racism, it was only natural for her to side with racists. No wonder she is now being celebrated by Tommy Robinson, who bragged: “The Overton window has been obliterated.”

Obviously, a white man could never get away with extremely racist immigration policies that receive approval from Tommy Robinson, which is why the establishment always puts the most hateful brown woman imaginable in the role of Home Secretary.

Many were wondering how Shabana was doing such an incredible job of turning away Labour’s four remaining supporters - and the answer turned out to be surprisingly simple.

At a press conference, Shabana was asked about a string of social media posts in which she had presented herself as authoritarian and just a tiny bit racist (in one post, she courageously mocked refugees for fleeing the warzones that we helped to create). It was at this point that Shabana drew gasps from the audience.

Like the end of a Scooby Doo episode, the home secretary reached for her neck and gradually peeled away her fucking face. As members of the audience screamed and one woman fainted, Shabana announced: “Aha, I’m really Nigel Farage!”

At this point, I burst into applause, but then I realised I was the only one clapping and sheepishly stopped. It’s fair to say Nigel could not have done a better job of home secretary. Labour is now even less popular whereas Reform is more popular and Nigel is set to become our next prime minister. However, it’s unclear if he will rule as Shabana or his authentic self. Decisions, decisions…

The brilliance of the Shabana act is that no one can sensibly accuse Farage of being racist. I mean no self-respecting racist would dress up as a brown woman, would they? That would be like a family values politician picking up a rent boy!

It’s fair to say no one had Nigel Farage being the best method actor since Daniel Day Lewis on their bingo card. What was particularly impressive was the lengths he went to for this ruse. As Shabana, he attended protests and made impassioned speeches in defence of immigrants and refugees. However, the moment he became home secretary, he adjusted his Shabana act to be more like his true self.

Reform had fun teasing the public by insisting Shabana looked like she would fit right in at Reform. They even invited her to join the party. At this point, even I did not know what was taking place because Nigel’s disguise was that clever.

Farage pretending to be a brown woman so he could become home secretary is easily the most impressive feat since Starmer pretended to be a socialist so he could become prime minister. I must say I love the honesty in British politics, don’t you? x

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