Shards from Christ's cross to be used in coronation

They were gifted by the Pope

As I’ve reported previously, a bloke called Charles is having a massive party on May 6th called a “coronation” because his mam was super rich and had magic blood. Unfortunately, this party is being held on the same day traffic wardens are striking across the UK so you can expect the parking to be a bloody nightmare. Presumably Charles’ guests will be taking the bus.

Anyways, controversy was caused when it was revealed Charles’ daughter-in-law said she couldn’t attend the massive party because she’s getting her nails done that day. You would therefore think the party was going to be boring, but it actually just got interesting because I’ve been told Charles’ coronation will include religious relics gifted to him by the Pope (an Italian bloke who dresses up like an Elden Ring wizard).

Outrageously, these relics include two fragments from the True Cross™ which will be incorporated into the Cross of Wales, and let me tell you, Jesus is not fucking impressed.

Fun fact: We know it’s definitely the True Cross™ because traces of blood were a perfect DNA match for Jesus’ and Mary Magdalene’s descendants. It remains unclear whether Charles will also be gifted the bullet that murdered JFK or the hand of Liz Truss that, well, you know…

Apparently, Jesus’ dad chose Charles to be King because he thinks Lord Sausage Fingers is extra special for some inexplicable reason. And now poor Jesus is getting a reminder of that time he was tortured to death for your sins. (Why did you have to sin anyway? This is partly your fault!)

An interesting piece of trivia about the Cross of Wales is that on the back are inscribed the words: “Byddwch lawen. Cadwch y ffydd. Gwnewch y Pethau Bychain”.

No, these are not the words of someone speaking in tongues, nor are they the words of a demonically-possessed person talking backwards, nor even the words of a drunken Glaswegian, they’re actually a Welsh phrase meaning: “Be joyful. Keep the faith. Do the little things.”

You probably think I’m joking now, but the Welsh really do have their own language and this really is what the phrase means. And to think, you’ve spent all these years thinking the Welsh had something stuck in their throats! (They were actually calling you a Tory twat in words you couldn’t understand.)

If you’re wondering why this massive party that’s upsetting Jesus is happening, I must be honest, it’s a mystery because the UK abandoned Catholicism in the 1500s when it needed a new religion that aligned with the family values of King Henry VIII. Perhaps this move towards Catholicism means the latest King is not planning on chopping the head off his most recent wife. I’m sure Camilla will be hugely relieved!

Anyways, if you want to attend this “coronation”, you can’t because the parking’s going to be a nightmare and you’re not invited anyway, but you are paying £100 million for it which is why you can no longer afford your gas bill x

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