South Africa has launched genocide proceedings against Israel

Disgracefully, they failed to condemn Hamas in their documentation

South Africa has outrageously filed a case against Israel for genocide at the International Court of Justice on the flimsy basis that Israel keeps committing war crimes on camera and admitting to those war crimes, as well as its genocidal intentions. Thankfully, Israel has prepared a robust legal defence.

Firstly, it has moved to have court proceedings nullified on the basis South Africa did not condemn Hamas in their documentation and this has made university students in the US feel uncomfortable.

Just in case this move somehow fails, Israel has put forward the following carefully considered legal arguments that they borrowed from experts on Twitter:

• Many South African politicians are biased because they have previously accused Israel of apartheid. Clearly, South Africans understand nothing about apartheid and could only be motivated by racism.

• This war started with a brutal act of aggression from Hamas on October 7th that killed almost 1,300 people. There was never any violence before this in the entire history of Israel (and its illegal blockade of Gaza), apart from our many unprovoked military incursions, such as operation Cast Lead that killed over 1,300 Palestinians in 2009. Remember, it’s only wrong when Hamas does it.

• Please consider the tape recording we faked and the videos we staged and the evidence we planted, such as the brand new copies of Mein Kampf on dead bodies, the Hitler background on a teenage girl’s iPad, and the guns we stashed behind an MRI scanner prove we are innocent of all the things we did on camera. If you question our evidence, you are doing Hamas propaganda and we’ll tell Elon to ban you from Twitter.

• If the above argument/threat doesn’t work, we would like to explain we thought there were tunnels under the hospitals we were bombing, but it turns out there weren’t any because our intelligence was totally made up. International law does say you’re allowed to bomb hospitals if you pretend to believe there are tunnels beneath them, right?

• It’s true that we used six massive 2000 lb bombs on Jabalia refugee camp, killing hundreds of civilians, but this is okay because we’ve admitted it was an accident and we actually meant to use smaller bombs on the location that is jam-packed with civilians. We call this the “my bad” defence. Only the good guys would say “my bad” after murdering hundreds of people. Hamas never says sorry.

• Hamas strategically placed human shields under our dumb bombs, which was especially cunning as even we didn’t know where those unguided missiles would land and were just as surprised as anyone that they were so successful. About half of our missiles were dumb bombs and we honestly thought most of them would land in the desert.

• The other half of the rockets we launched were guided missiles and absolutely hit the people they were supposed to hit, such as writers who were dangerously popular on Twitter, but we can’t be held accountable for war crimes because most of our targets were set by the Gospel AI system and the law doesn’t apply to robots. Sorry.

• It’s anti-Semitic to accuse us of genocide, just because we intentionally starved a civilian population; cut off the water, power, and telecommunications; stopped medicine getting to those in desperate need; poisoned farmland and fresh water to make the land unliveable; damaged or destroyed half of the buildings in Gaza, including hospitals, schools and universities; spitefully tore up roads and infrastructure and toppled statues; told people to evacuate and bombed the places we told them were safe zones; killed 30,000 innocent civilians, including 11,000 children, and many journalists, doctors, and UN workers; caused thousands of amputations, many of which took place without aneasthetic, causing children to die from the pain; and repeatedly stated we would drive the native population of Gaza into the Sinai desert. The only reason to condemn any of this is because you don’t want Israelis to be safe.

• We would like to clarify that war is hell and saying those words makes any bad thing you do in war okay. Plus, the IDF is the world’s most moral army because we said so and we have no reason to lie.

Personally, I can’t imagine how this legal defence could fail because South Africa has idiotically forgot the fundamental legal principle that international law does not apply to Israel because it is America’s sidekick and the Genocide Convention does not apply to Palestinians because colonisers do not consider them to be humans x

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