Space Karen is trying to destroy me again

and he wants you to stop reading my articles

I probably shouldn’t say this because I was made to sign a non-disclosure agreement, but I had a fling with Elon Musk last year and he’s been bitter ever since. Given that I’m the internet’s finest journalist, Elon thought I was going to write flattering things about him and tell the world he’s a great lover.

When I told him I have too much integrity to lie, he dumped me.

For the past 12 months, I’ve had to put up with all kinds of crap while Elon does everything he can to destroy me. For example, he tried to stop me sharing links to my other socials like Mastodon and Facebook, he kept taking away my Twitter followers, and now he’s banning me from sharing my Substack articles. What a pathetic little dweeb!

If anyone shares a Substack article on Twitter, people cannot Like, Comment or Retweet, but thankfully, my bitter ex is not as tech savvy as he thinks he is. I simply have to create a tiny URL to get around this problem, but still, that’s an extra ten seconds he has stolen from my day. And given the bastard has already stolen six months of my life, I’m not happy.

One of the most annoying aspects of the Substack ban is Elon’s probably violating EU law again. Yes, EU law clearly states that Elon is not allowed to harass Laura under any circumstances. It also says something about social media sites not blocking links, otherwise they will be classed as editorial media sites and that comes with a ton of legal ramifications, including full liability for all content on the site.

I texted Elon last night and he told me that if I sign up to Twitter Blue and tweet “Elon Musk is god” once a day, he will let me post articles on Twitter, but he didn’t explain what he meant. (I think he’s talking about the extended character limit.)

Anyways, since I’ve already broken the non-disclosure agreement, I might as well tell you the following facts about Elon that are 100% true: he has a statue of Donald Trump in his bedroom, he cries when he has sex, he steals all of his ideas from other people, and he’s really self-conscious about his hair transplant so DO NOT mention that ever.

Also, don’t mention that Elon is such a dreadful lover that all of his exes became friends so they could share stories about how fucking awful he was towards them. For example, he told his first wife, Justine Wilson, “I am the alpha in the relationship” and “If you were my employee, I would fire you.”

Elon named his children - such as X Æ A-12 and Exa Dark Sideræl - by mashing his palm against a keyboard and this is why they fucking hate him. But he would like you to know he is nothing like his evil father, Errol, who owned an emerald mine, shot three people and had a child with his own step daughter. He is just a union buster who promised to end world hunger for $6 billion and then refused when the UN gave him that plan.

In other words, he’s much, much better x

Thank you so much for letting me vent! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. It helps me more than you realise. Writing is my full-time job, meaning I am so broke and without this blog supplementing my income, I cannot pay the bills! x