Starmer explains there would be no point being PM if he couldn't accept expensive gifts

If you don't give him a pass, he will be forced to resign

The UK’s most charismatic prime minister since Theresa May has addressed concerns that he is a self-centred nob who only got into politics to enrich himself. Sir Keir Starmer spoke to the media outside 10 Downing Street, wearing Gucci loafers and a coat made from the skins of 17 baby seals. Here is what he had to say:

“Let me remind you where we were before I became leader of the Labour Party…

“Back when Jeremy Corbyn was in charge, Labour made an extra £4 million from membership dues as ordinary people flocked to the party. Labour was awash with money and as such, had no reason to rely on corporate donations. This was a dark period when ordinary Labour voters felt they had representation. Thankfully, the membership revenue has since dried up, thanks to my leadership. This is why I took £4 million from a Cayman Islands-based hedge fund with shares in oil and arms. As you can see, Labour is a changed party now.

“I’m proud to say the generous handout from Quadrature Capital is the sixth-largest donation in British political history. Please understand handouts are only bad when poor people get them.

“I would like to assure you the bloodsucking venture capitalists gave me money because they are super nice and want nothing in return. People who avoid paying their taxes love giving money away, so you can’t call this corruption, okay?

“Obviously, I knew do-gooders would kick up a fuss so I cleverly timed this donation so it did not have to be declared before the election. Incidentally, I used the same strategy when I took money from Israeli lobbyists during the Labour leadership election. If I was straight with you, I would never have won, would I?”

The prime minister paused to adjust his Louis Vuitton glasses and continued:

“Now if we can address the ludicrously expensive gifts I have been receiving…

“I would like to explain I had no choice but to accept Taylor Swift tickets for security reasons. If I had attended that concert like a regular fan, a nine-year-old Swifty would have kicked me in the bollocks for not lifting the two-child welfare cap.

“As a Swifty myself, I certainly wasn’t going to miss out on the concert. Therefore, I had no choice but to accept VIP seats at Wembley Stadium. Lady Victoria actually went to the concert twice, but second time, she refused to take me because I can be a bit embarrassing in public. You will be pleased to know we didn’t pay for the VIP tickets because they’re a perk of the job. I think the British public would say that’s fair dos.”

Starmer gave an awkward laugh and a lingering fake smile, but everyone frowned, apart from me.

“Obviously, if you work for a bank or the local council and you accept a box of chocolates, you might be fined or go to jail, but this is different. Please understand the Bribery Act is for people like you - the powerless - not people like me - the powerful.

“Annoyingly, some of you are complaining that I’ve received VIP tickets to Arsenal games, but again, if I wasn’t given free tickets, I wouldn’t be able to go. This is because I can’t afford to buy tickets with my £160,000 salary. I’m not that good at budgeting! Plus, I can’t sit with regular fans, like Jeremy Corbyn and John McDonnell do, because everyone thinks I’m a cunt.”

A journalist from the Daily Mirror chuckled so I elbowed him and security dragged him away. This is hardly the time for laughter.

“Some of you have raised eyebrows that another man has been buying Lady Victoria designer dresses. You have even asked what kind of husband lets another man buy clothes for his wife? Obviously, this is jealousy and you should be thoroughly ashamed of yourselves. All I can say is if Lord Alli wants to buy Lady Victoria sexy underwear, I’ve absolutely no erec… I mean objection.

“You lot seem to be forgetting that back in 2009, there was a scandal where MPs were abusing the expenses system to buy gold toilet seats and swimming pools and even heated stables. Predictably, you lot kicked up a fuss and ever since, those of us who got into politics for the wrong reasons have been looking for a solution.

“My solution was to find wealthy tax avoiders who love giving their money to me for absolutely no reason. If you’re not paying for the gifts, I don’t see what the problem is. It’s not like I’m changing my policies to fuck over poor people and favour my sugar daddies, is it?

“I’m simply making tough decisions, such as which children don’t starve and which pensioners don’t freeze to death. I could actually feed and warm them all, but that wouldn’t be a tough decision, would it? It would be an easy decision, so I decided to freeze and starve the poor ones because I’m tough.”

Starmer paused and rolled up his sleeve to reveal an 18-carat gold Rolex.

“Sorry, this thing is running a little longer than I thought and I have a meeting with a Saudi oil billionaire coming up at ten.

“I have a few more minutes so I shall wrap things up by warning you that if I can no longer accept gifts from men who have their eyes on my hot wife, I will have no choice but to resign as prime minister. If this were to happen, all politicians cut from the same cloth as myself would be forced to quit and you would be stuck with the decent ones who got into politics for the right reasons. Be careful what you wish for.”

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