Starmer sensibly agrees to fuck over the working class for Trump
Tax cuts for the rich and austerity for the poor!
You might have thought we were sacrificing our disabled people just to pay for bombs, but you would be wrong: we are also giving tax cuts to US big tech!
You know those brilliant companies that harvest your data, and sell your porn-browsing habits, and censor everyone you agree with, and hand your assassination coordinates to Netanyahu? Yeah, they’re being awarded a massive pay day!
You might think this is big tech’s reward for compliance with censorship because Starmer certainly loves silencing his critics, but the truth is much simpler: Starmer is shit-scared of Trump.
The UK is set to exempt US big tech from a levy on companies with a revenue over £500 million. Trump complained that smaller companies weren’t paying this levy, meaning the all-encompassing tech giants were at a disadvantage. This unfair disadvantage is set to be removed so the US can crush its few remaining competitors.
Starmer, who prefers to be called “Trump’s bitch”, says he will make up for losses by applying higher levies to other countries. You know those social media sites that aren’t owned by Americans, like, um… TikTok? ... Is TikTok owned by the US yet? I’ve honestly no idea, but if there are any social media sites that aren’t owned by the US, they soon will be! Trump wants full control over the information you receive...
The US president used to hate Facebook and Twitter, but now he loves them because they are his propaganda arms. Zuckerberg has shown remarkable similarities to Starmer, being the only other example of a man who can walk upright, despite not having a spine (although I’m using the term “man” loosely). Zuckerberg once banned Trump from Meta platforms, but now he kisses his feet twice a day and ensures his opinions are amplified.
Trump said that any trade deal with the UK would hinge on our approach to free speech, meaning we are expected to deport students who criticise Trump or object to genocide. We will have to ban peaceful protest too, but Starmer is already working on that because how else would he push through austerity? It’s fair to say Starmer is proving to be what every leader should be: strong against the weak and weak against the strong.
Excitingly, analysts have explained that further tax rises for workers are coming in the autumn budget. Just know that you will be paying for Elon’s latest spaceship, but you can console yourself with the fact it will probably explode with him on board. Zuckerberg, on the other hand, is likely to be replaced by his trillion dollar AI because it’s more human-like than he is.
Trump’s tariffs are set to cost hundreds of thousands of British jobs, regardless of whether we obey, so let me tell you why the US is our greatest ally and China is our enemy. The US could easily devastate our economy, which is the sort of thing it normally only does to the developing world. One in eight British cars are sold to the US, meaning Trump could destabilise our car industry overnight. Compare this to China’s highly-suspicious belt and road initiative which does terrifying things like build infrastructure.
Starmer does not want to be on the receiving end of a global trade war so he is weighing up helping Trump wage an actual war. I’m guessing China might be a bit much for now so we we will probably start with Iran. This would be a sensible move because it would only collapse the global economy, making us even poorer than austerity has.
Just know that when the US starts bombing Iran, we will cheer them on, and probably launch the occasional bomb ourselves. It’s kind’a like seeing a kid get beaten up in the playground and instead of standing up to the bully, you join in, and when you’re done, the bully gives you a dead arm anyway.
Starmer has been hoping his loyalty will help the UK become the 51st state, but I'm told Trump doesn't think we’re worthy of statehood. We’re actually more like a US territory. We’re basically Puerto Rico without the US citizenship or the palm trees or the nice weather. Isn’t sovereignty brilliant? x
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"It’s kind’a like seeing a kid get beaten up in the playground and instead of standing up to the bully, you join in, and when you’re done, the bully gives you a dead arm anyway." Perfectly sums up what it feels like to be British these days. The utter helplessness, the infinite frustration, the hideous shame: who knew a government's contempt for what decent people want could be so blatant? Brexit was an embarrassment, Starmer is so much worse.
At last someone's standing up for defenceless oligarchs against the ravages of wicked disabled gangs and those starving child bandits. Well done, Sir Keir Starmer, we just knew you wouldn't let down your true constituents in offshore corporations in their eternal struggle against the working poor of your own country.