Starmer spied on journalists for the same reason we need online age checks: to save the children!

Sir Keir Starmer has explained he hired an agency to spy on journalists and fabricate stories about them because it is the only way to keep children safe online.

The prime minister has taken many steps to keep children safe, such as making you scan your face to watch porn, upload your passport to use social media, and scan your entire email account to watch a movie. The fact that your data can be collected so we know what you are doing at all times is beside the point. The point is these measures have saved zero children. Zero! If you are opposed to these measures, you clearly hate children, unlike the politicians who were tied to Epstein, such as the lovely people at Labour Together.

In one of his most impressive child-saving measures to date, Starmer has explained that he hired a PR Firm called APCO Worldwide back in 2023. Their job was to spy on journalists who had been delving into the finances of Labour Together.

These pesky journalists had noticed Labour Together’s dark money and decided to report on it. This increased the risk that children would realise their government is a bunch of cunts.

Thanks to TikTok, kids are too politically aware, and while TikTok has been dealt with, it’s nowhere enough. We would much rather go back to the days when we whined that young people weren’t interested in politics. Now you understand why we must make every do-gooder out there shut the fuck up!

Starmer decided he needed to know everything about the rogue journalists that were worryingly interested in the truth. APCO put together a dossier on their backgrounds, family lives, and religious beliefs, presumably to see if it could find any blackmail material.

I can only assume APCO could not find any blackmail material because the journalists had never visited Epstein Island or invited Ukrainian rent boys around for a sleepover or anything like that. Therefore, APCO made up a story that the journalists had been working with Russia to destabilise the British state and bring down the royal family! Sadly, the smear didn’t work because it had zero evidence and everyone knows the royal family is doing a brilliant job of bringing itself down.

Gone are the good ol’ days of Corbyn when we could scream that someone is an antisemite until half the public believes it’s true. These days everyone is seeing through that shit.

The know-it-all public refused to believe APCO’s Russia smear and this has left our children in great peril. Without smears to confuse them, they will continue to notice that we do genocides and traffic kids to rape islands. Things are so out of control that Starmer was forced to sack the greatest Little St James ambassador we’ve ever had — Peter Mandelson.

There is only one solution to this problem and that is the panopticon that Shabana Mahmoud was gushing about to Tony Blair. Mahmoud is one of the Labour Together alumni and presumably eager to protect the Epstein class. She wants the state to have eyes everywhere and digital ID is the best way to achieve that.

While we have been struggling to get digital ID through the front door. We are are pushing it through the backdoor by extending age verification. What else would you want the government to do? Address the cost of living?

Excitingly, Age verification will soon be extended to your last bastion of online privacy: VPNs! You probably didn’t know most VPNs are owned by Israel. When the new rules are pushed through, not only will Shabana know everything you post online, Netanyahu will too! This means no more whining about genocide or paedophilia without getting a friendly message to your inbox, reminding you that we know your embarrassing secrets and are not afraid to use them against you.

If this unsettles you, just blame those nosey journalists who decided to tell the truth. If they’d been good journalists like me, none of this would be happening, would it?

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