Sir Keir Starmer might be the least popular prime minister since the one who was assassinated by a lettuce, but he is confident his latest plan will turn things around. No, he’s not gonna do everything he promised in the Labour manifesto! He’s gonna do another thing that wasn’t in the manifesto…
Starmer is going to introduce a digital ID system called BritCard. The details are deliberately as clear as mud so you lot don’t object too hard! Just know the plans were generously drawn up by Tony Blair who definitely doesn’t stand to make billions.
The announcement of BritCard has been perfectly timed to stop you talking about the scandal involving Morgan McSweeney and Labour Together failing to declare donations. The government insists you won’t be forced to have its spy app on your phone... unless you want to have a job, rent a house… or report pot holes…
Yes, Starmer is keen to introduce his spy app, I mean digital ID system because there is no way of reporting pot holes, other than letting the government watch your every move, and giving Tony Blair billions.
Unbelievably, the pot hole reporting system is not the only way BritCard will dramatically improve your life. Another brilliant thing about this spy app is that it will deter illegal immigrants who come here illegally and work illegally while hiding in the shadows because if they get caught without a government-issued spy app, they will be told off and sent home. This hugely differs from the current system where they are… told off and sent home… because under the new system, the government gets to spy on you! Oh, and you get to report pot holes, don’t forget those…
Once BritCard is introduced, people will not be able to work in the UK without showing it to their employer. This differs massively from the current system which also doesn’t allow you to work until you’ve proven your identity to your employer. To be honest, there isn’t much point in BritCard, unless we can use it for other things further down the line - things even more exciting than pot holes…
The government says BritCard will initially only be mandatory for people who want to work in the UK (which is almost everyone), but once the system is up and running, we can find excuses to force everyone else to adopt it.
Now I’m not bragging or anything, but I’ve seen the government’s roadmap which includes having 100% of the population on BritCard by 2035 (assuming Donald Trump hasn’t ended the world by then).
By 2035, everyone will have to own a smart phone, keep it charged at all times, and have BritCard installed. Sadly, not all benefits of BritCard will be rolled out in one go, but I can tell you what they are, so you have something to look forward to. Here goes…
Cookies: The most exciting benefit of BritCard is the cookies that you will have to accept when you download the app onto your phone. Here is the message:
BritCard uses cookies to monitor your web browsing habits and access your phone’s camera, microphone, call history, text and voice messages, address book, and location data. All of this data will be stored on government servers and monitored by an artificial intelligence to ensure you are compliant with the latest rules and regulations at all times. Any attempt to disable these tracking cookies will result in a £10,000 fine and five years imprisonment. You have been warned…
Now let’s look at the real world applications for these tracking cookies. (Please note, these measures will be introduced in phases that coincide with whichever emergency the government has manufactured to convince you they’re for your own protection. Just know there is no other way to keep you safe from foreigners and transgender people.)
Pornography: You probably thought it couldn’t get any better than scanning your face, passport, and email address book, just so you can have a private moment at your laptop. The next phase of integration is for you to scan your BritCard so the government can watch you doing things you don’t want your other half to know about! Your viewing history and facial expressions will be safely stored on government servers for blackmail purposes.
Cash machines: Want to access your own money? Well, not until your government knows about it, you can’t! Your government needs to see how much money is in your bank account, how much you’re drawing out, and where you’re drawing it out from.
If the Big Brother AI thinks you seem a bit sus, it can simply decline the withdrawal. It gets even better: the app can access your online banking, see every purchase you’ve ever made, and launch an investigation if there is a £5 deposit in your bank account that went undeclared.
Keys: Gone are the days of worrying about keys! Soon, when you rent a new property (because mortgages are illegal), you will give your digital ID to your landlord. They will then use that digital ID as an electronic key that they can withdraw at any time, leaving you locked out. You will face the same problem if your phone runs out of charge.
It gets even better when you’re renting your mandatory smart car. That smart car can simply lock you out or turn off the engine at any point. Late on a payment when you’re at the other side of the country? Well, it looks like you’re walking home!
Public services: You will need to scan your BritCard when you get on a bus or visit a doctor or go to the hospital. Been mangled in a road accident? Well, you had better hope paramedics find your phone intact, otherwise you’re not getting that life-saving surgery! We have hardworking tax payers to think about…
Not only can we deny healthcare to people we’d rather die horrible deaths, but we can make the lives of the unemployed miserable! BritCard will help us ensure they spend every waking moment searching for jobs that do not exist and attending job interviews they have not been offered. An alarm will go off at the JobCentre every time they’re not doing what they’re supposed to do. Any unemployed person taking an unauthorised break will have their £90 a week pocket money cut to teach them a lesson.
Social Credit Score: This is the big one. BritCard will have access to your social media and your bank balance and your every move and will rank you accordingly. Anyone who unequivocally supports the government, works non-stop, and never exceeds their daily fun allowance will be given an average social credit score. Everyone else will be closely supervised and that includes you, you thought criminal!
If you get too political, an MI5 agent will be sent reports on all your suspicious activity by the Big Brother AI. The agent will be given the power to take the following measures until you’ve deleted those dodgy tweets and agreed to stop attending protests and union meetings:
email you screenshots of your wanking face as a gentle warning
email those same screenshots to your partner, employer, friends, relatives, and social media contacts
block your access to porn forever
block your access to your home, car, bank account, and/or public services
block your access to social media sites until you agree to post complimentary things about the government
send counter-terrorism police to your house for saying “genocide is wrong”
One of the biggest benefits of BritCard is that every detail of your life will be stored on servers where they will be totally safe because the government never accidentally leaks data, or gets hacked, or sells your data without your consent. There will be zero risk of data theft, zero risk of system crashes, and zero risk of anyone other than the government blackmailing you. I’m sure you will agree all of this is worth it to stop people talking about the Morgan McSweeney thing x
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Stop him!
https://petition.parliament.uk/petitions/730194
That was really good , i could really laugh . You were describing another element of the expanding dystopia and yet in the middle of the ongoing absolute horrors in Gaza in Palestine and all the ongoing horrors in the world your ability to make me laugh is remarkeable. Just came to my mind 'The Clown' by Heinrich Böll . I try to imagine what it must be for you to write like this. I've been reading you since sometime after Oct 7. Thankyou