Suella Braverman announces plans to eliminate homeless people
They're every bit as cruel as you would expect
Suella Braverman has caused controversy in the Conservative Party by declaring that police will take the tents away from homeless people to punish them for their “lifestyle choice”. She announced plans to fine charities who hand tents out because the biggest problem facing society right now is charities that stop people from freezing to death.
The home secretary explained she desperately needed a new scapegoat after failing to deal with the non-existent refugee invasion, and homeless people were the easiest targets because no one gives a shit about them.
Suella posted on Twitter: “Nobody in Britain should be living in a tent on our streets,” but she quickly alleviated the concerns of landlords that she was about to make rents affordable. Suella added: “The best way to deal with the cost of living crisis is to focus our efforts on punishing the people who refuse to be richer.”
Conservatives were understandably concerned the measures would not go far enough, therefore, Suella has sensibly upgraded her plans. Not only will it be illegal for a homeless person to have any form of shelter when they sleep, but it will also be illegal for them to sleep in the open. On top of that, they will be banned from having food or water, seeking medical treatment, or breathing in a way that is noticeable to others.
Inspired by Israel’s approach to Palestinians, Suella wants to cut off all access to essentials to make it impossible for homeless people to exist. If homeless people don’t like this, they will generously be allowed to move to the UK’s equivalent of the Sinai Desert - an industrial wasteland known as “Teesside”.
Teesside is understood to have no human presence, terrifying mutated wildlife and an average temperature of -42C, although no one is sure because the last scientific expedition to the region mysteriously vanished. The only clue as to what happened was a recording of screams as one of the scientists made a desperate call for help and fell silent. To date, no one has dared try to retrieve the bodies.
Given that Teesside is uninhabitable, it’s the only suitable place to accommodate the homeless because there will be zero chance of them encountering humans.
I’m told that Suella had enquired about the possibility of using white phosphorous munitions on any homeless person who refuses to comply with her orders. She was understandably devastated when woke lawyers mentioned something about “international law” and the “Geneva Conventions”, whatever they are.
“It’s not fair, Netanyahu gets to do it!” Suella wailed, but she calmed down when she got the go ahead to use conventional warheads on anyone who feeds a homeless person. Collateral damage of up to 1,000 non-homeless children a week will be considered acceptable as long as the bombings are “targeted”.
Labour leader Sir Keir Starmer said he fully supports the measures as long as Joe Biden agrees and they comply with international law. Some leftie do-gooders had unsurprisingly complained about the “disproportionate” measures, but could they come up with a credible plan to eliminate the homeless from our streets? No, they could not x
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Point of order: we in the USA are the best in the world at punishing people who refuse to be richer.
I'm British and live in the US. I've seen the number of people without homes increase to appalling levels. It never ceases to infuriate me how the respective governments can blithely spend billions on warfare in Ukraine and supporting the genocide in Israel, yet not spare a single penny inside their own national borders for people in genuine need.