Suella Braverman becomes first person to be flown to Rwanda

Her cash-for-humans scheme is officially off the ground!

Suella Braverman is thrilled to become the first person to be flown to Rwanda as part of her “cash-for-humans” scheme. It remains to be seen whether she will be the only person, but the point is her dream is finally off the ground and she fulfilled it herself! This truly is a momentous moment for humanity. It’s up there with Sir Edmund Hillary climbing Mount Everest or Neil Armstrong landing on the moon or Michael Gove getting off his tits in a night club and ascending to the stars. It’s history in the making.

You will be pleased to know that as Braverman landed at Kigali International Airport like a Sith Lady for the Galactic Empire, she was greeted by propagandists sympathetic to her cause and ready to ask pre-approved questions. This means there was no Guardian, Daily Mirror or Independent journalist in sight, not even one from the BBC. But I’m thrilled to say Normal Island News was invited along with my role models at Gbeebies and those wannabes from the Daily Mail and Telegraph.

Sith Lady Braverman’s jolly jaunt came the same week the court of appeal accepted there are serious questions to be answered over the legality of her Rwanda scheme, proving conclusively she has complete and utter contempt for the law. If those lefty judges try to overrule her, they will probably be trafficked to Rwanda too.

An organisation called the Index on Censorship was unhappy that some news organisations were excluded, presumably because they wanted the BBC to send Gary Lineker along to infect Rwandans with his woke mind virus. They said that excluding journalists is “damaging to press freedom” - a compliment which made Braverman blush.

Braverman is looking forward to meeting President Paul Kagame and her counterpart Vincent Biruta so they can exchange tips on human rights abuses. She angrily rejected claims Rwanda could only take 200 migrants and pointed out Rwanda could easily take thousands from the UK, although they’ve only taken one so far and that’s her. In Braverman’s defence, she’s only spent £120 million on her project to date and this is obviously money well spent.

Critics have pointed out that Rwanda is guilty of human rights abuses such as forcing immigrants to become soldiers in its war in the Congo and making journalists disappear, just not the good ones like me. Braverman has pointed out that although Rwanda is not as adept as the UK at violating human rights, she is keen to help it catch up and it will definitely be a suitable place to send desperate and terrified human beings. However, Braverman was concerned that Rwandans were looking at housing the migrants because in the UK we’re leaving them in tents in a field.

Braverman pointed out that migrants could apply for asylum in Rwanda and if they are genuine, they could permanently settle there, which is odd, because I thought we were only getting rid of illegal immigrants, but it looks like we’re getting rid of genuine refugees now. I guess we’re just telling whatever lies we need to so we can move our racist agenda forward x

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