Suella Braverman demands former colonies pay reparations to London

Reform UK MP Suella Braverman has finally said what everyone is thinking: the victims of colonialism owe us big time. While the usual suspects in Jamaica prepare to petition King Charles for slavery reparations, she insisted that we should instead bill them.

Braverman took to Twitter to air her sensible anti-racist views, explaining that nobody suffered more during imperialism than rich, white British people. Braverman therefore demanded that our former colonies repay London for the “considerable investment, effort and contribution” it made in laying the foundations of their “flourishing democracies.” No reasonable racist could argue against that.

Braverman, whose greatest achievement was snatching the “most evil MP” crown from Priti Patel, understands the Empire’s contribution better than most. Her father hails from Kenya — a country where kind-hearted British imperialists thoughtfully seized prime farmland for white settlement, imposed oppressive taxes on the ungrateful locals, and helpfully subjected those who couldn’t pay to forced labour.

Some Kenyans were inexplicably ungrateful about this generous arrangement. So between 1952 and 1960 the British authorities built a network of detention camps where prisoners were raped, tortured, castrated, mutilated, and in some cases burned alive. British troops even posed proudly for photographs beside severed heads on stakes. Villages were destroyed as collective punishment and hundreds of thousands of civilians were ethnically cleansed. When awkward questions were later asked, thousands of classified documents were simply destroyed. Only through stubborn legal battles did the truth eventually surface.

For some reason, the woke brigade still gets upset about this sort of thing. Braverman, however, has no time for such whitesplaining. She has made clear that when Reform enters government the invoices will start landing. A brand-new Colonial Debt Recovery Unit (CDRU) will be established to chase any country that tries to dodge its historical responsibilities.

India, for example, was the most prosperous country on Earth before the British arrived. By the time we left, it was one of the poorest. This dramatic improvement occurred because we made India more civilised. They didn’t even know how to queue properly before we taught them. And they never once said thank you when we chopped their hands off for minor offences.

Braverman is already working on a detailed itemised bill. It will include every mile of railway track laid in the 19th century that was constructed with the enthusiastic participation of local labour. Compound interest will be calculated from the date of completion. Expect separate line items for the introduction of parliamentary democracy and the noble tradition of afternoon tea.

To be fair, not everything about colonialism was perfect. Reform insiders are understood to be preparing a formal apology for one particularly cruel export: cricket. Nobody deserved to be bored to death like that. Cricket is a truly barbaric practice and it’s only right that this crime is finally acknowledged. It’s feared that the compensation bill for cricket boredom could run into the trillions.

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