Suella Braverman pleads with far right to cause trouble
A peaceful protest would be her worst nightmare
Today, we are going to see the government’s worst nightmare - millions of decent human beings coming out to the streets to protest the genocide they’re participating in. There is deep concern this could lead to increased compassion for the people of Gaza while they’re suffering unimaginably, which could in turn impact our lucrative contracts with Elbit Systems. It’s all so selfish, I can’t find the words.
It’s like these people don’t understand Armistice Day is the worst possible day to call for armistice. Everyone knows we’re not supposed to use days for the things they were intended for. This is why we give expensive gifts at Christmas instead of remembering the birth of Santa Claus, and eat chocolate eggs at Easter instead of praising the giant bunny who raised the dead, and set off fireworks on bonfire night instead of celebrating our beloved politicians.
These hate marchers are so disrespectful, they delayed their march until after the 11am silence so we couldn’t scream at them for breaking the 11am silence. Even worse, their march will come within two miles of the Cenotaph which is guarded by police, making it impossible for us to send in one of our people to vandalise it and blame lefties.
Home secretary Suella Braverman is so concerned, she issued this impassioned plea to show the leadership we so desperately need at this scary moment:
“I’m calling on all of the far-right patriots, the English Defence League, the agent provocateurs, the most morally dubious members of the police force, the people who think Darren Grimes is an intellectual: please ensure it all kicks off today! Get so drunk, you piss down your leg and have a massive fight!
“Wave banners of Jeremy Corbyn, yell at statues, charge at pigeons, throw Big Macs at buses, cause a riot! Whatever you do, do not let today go ahead peacefully. We can’t let the world see these are decent, well-meaning people who don’t want to vandalise the Cenotaph or ban poppies or make this all about David Baddiel like David Baddiel does because they will win the argument.
“It would be especially useful if some of you pretend to be pro-Palestinian and yell something like “H*tler is totally our guy!” or “We actually don’t like peace very much!” for the BBC cameras. You might get beaten up by one of our counter-protesters such as Nadine Dorries, but your sacrifice will not be in vain.
“Please, please, please, let it all kick off today so we can have future marches banned and get the chief of the Met sacked.
“Don’t worry, I’ve already agreed with the BBC that they will reverse the footage so you look like perfectly sensible hooligans who were going for a nice stroll with your misspelt tattoos proudly displayed on your flabby bodies, hoping for a calm and reasoned debate so you could win hearts and minds in the market place of ideas when you were picked on by elderly pacifist peace protesters because they hate our values, such as opposition to peace, Islamophobia, excessive alcohol consumption, only seeing the kids under supervision in contact centres on weekends, general disregard for personal hygiene, and dangerously high cholesterol levels. This is a battle for civilisation and we can't let the savages win!”
Thank you so much for letting me vent! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. It helps me more than you realise x
If only this wasn’t exactly what you just know they are thinking 😱
I thought this was supposed to be a satirical blog, not accurate reporting.