Suella Braverman stands on dog's tail

and also dehumanises millions of people

After a lively speech in which she invoked Enoch Powell’s Rivers of Blood and said the most evil things imaginable, Suella Braverman left the Tory conference stage and stood on a dog’s tail. This prompted even the most rabid Tory voters to say “she’s gone too far now”.

You can dehumanise people all you like, but under no circumstances must you ever hurt a dog. Even the most heartless Tory sociopaths know that dogs are much better than people, but Suella Braverman doesn’t and this puts her in a category beyond heartless Tory sociopath. We’re now at the point where no one knows how to categorise her. We are in uncharted levels of evil here.

“1930s Germany” was trending on Twitter today as users drew comparisons with the rhetoric of our home secretary. Braverman explained she said the most evil things imaginable in her speech because this gives her the best chance of becoming Tory leader. Under ordinary circumstances this would be true, but she drew gasps when she refused to apologise for standing on the dog’s tail and smirked. Even more worryingly, I’m told Suella DeVil is looking at setting up a Dalmation puppy fur farm.

Let’s not let animal cruelty detract from what was otherwise a momentous day and a glorious celebration of human cruelty though. Suella stepped onto the stage, grinning like Effie Trinkett in the Hunger Games and the four humans in the room turned to stone. Suella gave her Tory accomplices an overdrawn shoutout and thanked Greater Manchester police for harassing peaceful protesters. She then delivered her lies, I mean lines with a level of conviction that only the most confident of serial killers could manage.

Suella blamed the “unprecedented mass migration” that is coming next year for Tory failures. Yes, the refugees of the future are already wreaking havoc with their terrible pre-crimes. Suella explained we would have to concrete over the countryside, turn our cities into one vast building site and erect sky scrapers from Eastbourne to Elgin from Hull to Hollyhead to accommodate refugees. I’m sure there is not a word of exaggeration in that statement.

UK immigration is already too high at 1/10th the level of Germany and 1/15th the level of Turkey and the precogs have confirmed it’s only going to get worse. The Tories are the only party which grasps that millions of refugees are coming next year and the only party that will take effective action, such as the Rwanda scheme which has taken a whopping zero refugees to date.

Thankfully, Braverman is introducing rules that would have deported her own parents, but she explained it’s fine because her parents arrived on a gust, rather than the hurricane that’s coming. No, I don’t know what this means either.

Suella explained small boat crossings are down by 20%, but disgracefully, she failed to credit Thérèse Coffey for erecting a floating turd barrier. Instead, she bragged about separating children from their parents which is a totally normal thing to brag about.

Suella angrily blamed Labour for enacting laws that make it hard to deport refugees, such as the 1951 Refugee Convention which was drafted by Labour activist, um, Winston Churchill.

Once she was done ranting about foreigners like your drunk uncle, Suella explained she wants the police to arrest eco-warriors and other peaceful protesters because we have too much democracy. She even boasted that she stopped police investigating hate crimes, but insisted she won’t stand for people calling her racist (I think she’s going to make that a hate crime).

Suella offered words of support for armed police who accidentally shoot innocent people, but sadly, no words for the ones who beat their wives or stalk random women. Maybe next year.

She explained it’s actually the Tories’ politically-correct critics who have “money and status”. Obviously, the Tories would never dream of representing people with money and status, such as the billionaires Liz Truss is demanding a tax cut for.

In case you didn’t know, everything is now the fault of the luxury beliefs brigade (formerly the anti-growth coalition). The privileged woke minority don’t care about poor people like the government who starve school kids do. People with luxury beliefs will always flock to Labour, such as the lowest earners in society who overwhelmingly voted Labour at the last two elections.

Suella finished her masterclass in inverting reality by insisting the Tories will win the next election, with her in charge of course. The public must now decide if they want the woman who stands on dogs’ tails or the destroyer of economies, Liz Truss. An impossible choice x

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