Sunak and Netanyahu pretend to care about Palestinians

No one knows how all those bombs landed on Gaza

In a display of diplomatic support for one of the few governments as hateful as his own, Rishi Sunak has flown to the apartheid state of Israel. The question on every Israeli’s lips was: “Who the fuck is Rishi Sunak?”

It was explained he took over from Liz Truss, but they were none-the-wiser, so it was explained his country occupies Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland, and is just as fond of bombing the middle-east as Israel is.

Once it was established Rishi comes from Tory England, the more extreme elements of the Israeli population were moderately enthused. Everyone else said: “Fucking hell, not another war monger!”

It is understood the prime minister was hoping for a popularity boost from his visit, like Boris Johnson pissing off to Ukraine for selfies with Zelensky (prior to the restraining order). Sadly, Rishi didn’t realise Bibi is just as unpopular as he is.

At their meeting, Rishi told Bibi: “We want you to win,” and Bibi replied: “Not even your own people want you to win!” There was laughter all round.

Rishi said he is proud to stand alongside Israel in its “darkest hour”, but I think he was confusing Israel for Gaza because they’re the ones facing a power cut. They can’t even turn the lights on at the moment, let alone heat their 12 swimming pools. This is a level of poverty Rishi can’t even comprehend.

Rishi said he was “proud” to support Israel in its “long war” against Hamas, which he called “pure evil”, a label usually only reserved for Suella Braverman.

“I know that you are taking every precaution to avoid harming civilians, in direct contrast to the terrorists of Hamas,” Rishi said, to which a visibly irritated Bibi replied: “No, we’re fucking not!”

Bibi then called Hamas the “new Nazis” because famously, the Nazis were a proscribed terror group that emerged inside a concentration camp while their people were subjugated over decades by a more powerful racial group who wanted to exterminate them. As you can see, this is a perfect analogy.

Bibi was nudged by one of his aides who whispered something and then he changed his tone, sounding a tad less maniacal. From that point, the leaders agreed the “loss of innocent lives in Israel and Gaza over the last two weeks has been horrific” and they acted like no one knew who caused the deaths in Gaza.

In awkward scenes, Bibi pretended he cares about Palestinians in the same way Tories pretend they care about the working class at election time. To make matters worse, 106-year-old US President Joe Biden visited and told Israel to limit itself to 5,000 bombs a week, otherwise people might think they’re extremists. It’s this kind of restraint that’s going to save us from World War III.

Rishi joined in the pretending to be sensible thing and called for aid to Gaza to the disgust of Suella Braverman who said: “We don’t even feed our own people!” Suella calmed down when it was explained he didn’t mean it.

Rishi has learned many lessons from his visit to Israel and is keen to impose their system of apartheid on northerners, although he told Suella: “No, you can’t cut off their power and water because we have an election next year!”

Rishi was so confident in his leadership that he flew to Israel during a double by-election in Tory safe seats - and he lost both with 20-point swings to Labour. That’s the level of political judgement we’ve not seen since the heady days of Liz Truss.

No governing party has ever lost a seat as safe as Tamworth where the Tories took 66% at the last election. The Tories also lost mid-Bedfordshire, the former seat of legendary drunk Nadine Dorries. Sadly, no one has broken the news to Nadine because she’s been on a bender for the last 18 months and no one knows where she is.

Impressively, the Tory vote has been cut in half, which means Rishi has done to his party’s popularity what Liz did to the economy. Personally, I think he should make Liz deputy prime minister. They would be a dream team, but even without the help of Liz, I am confident he will turn most Tory safe seats into Labour ones. Rest assured Sir Keir Starmer has vowed to exactly emulate Rishi’s policies but do so with a more serious expression on his face. Exciting times lie ahead x

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