Sunak considering putting "Chinese spy" in House of Lords

He would fit in nicely with the Russian oligarch

It has been revealed a parliamentary researcher was arrested back in March in Edinburgh under suspicion of being a Chinese spy. This has sent shockwaves through the political world because until this point, we thought all Chinese spies were weather balloons that had drifted off course.

Strangely, it could be difficult to prosecute the man because when the alleged actions took place, it was not a criminal offence to be an agent of a foreign intelligence service. This is because we didn’t realise other countries might send humans to spy on us instead of balloons.

It is believed the suspect was recruited as a sleeper agent while working in China and that he was instructed to gather intelligence on the Conservative Party, but sadly, he was unable to find any sign of intelligence. A source told me the suspect emailed a representative of the Chinese Communist Party (CCP).

His email simply said, and I quote: “We don’t have to worry about these Tory idiots. Honestly, they’re bloody useless and their country is falling apart. They’re making our job so easy!”

The Chinese official replied: “Tell us about it. They sent Liz Truss to Taiwan recently and we haven’t stopped laughing since! Don’t even get me started on that time James Cleverly visited Beijing…”

The spy suspect reportedly had access to prominent Tories such as Tom Tugendhat and Alicia Kearns, but he decided they were doing such a bad job, it was best to leave them to their own devices.

Worryingly, I’m told he gained access to ex-prime minister Boris Johnson’s laptop by guessing his password (boobs), but luckily, he didn’t find anything confidential because Johnson never did any work. When he wasn’t harassing secretaries and arranging karaoke nights, he was spending his days browsing OnlyFans or playing Latin Wordle.

A spokesman for Johnson told the public “not to worry because China doesn’t have any kompromat that Russia hasn’t had for years. Plus, they’re not going to be in a hurry to release anything because let’s face it, no one wants to see that…”

Prime minister Rishi Sunak has recently faced criticism for his refusal to label China a threat to the security of the UK because he has reserved that label for himself.

One minister critical of Sunak said: “We are dealing with a country that has long deployed economic coercion and espionage to get what it wants.” I am unclear why he brought up the US in a conversation about China though.

Sunak has reassured anyone concerned that China could undermine our democracy and damage our economy that the Tories are “perfectly capable of doing that without outside help”, adding he doesn’t want “Ji Xinping taking credit for thirteen years of austerity and six weeks of Liz Truss”.

To be fair, I doubt even the CCP would cull 250,000 of its own people to reduce taxes on the rich by 0.25%. Let’s give the Tories some credit here.

In what would be a bold diplomatic move, Sunak is considering putting the Chinese spy in the House of Lords, alongside Russian oligarch Lord Lebedev of Siberia, but only on the condition the CCP makes a substantial donation to the Tory Party. This is because no one gets to corrupt our politicians without paying them handsomely first x

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