Sunak to issue oil and gas licences to hit net zero targets
This might be the most logical thing he has ever done
Rishi Sunak has announced the latest step in his government’s net zero strategy, which involves issuing 100 new licences to drill for oil and gas. This move has attracted criticism from all the people nobody sensible listens to.
Bacon sandwich connoisseur Ed Miliband said this “weak and confused policy... will do nothing for our energy security, and drive a coach and horses through our climate commitments”. Friends of the Earth insisted Rishi Sunak is “not a friend of the Earth” and Oxfam UK said he is a “knob”.
The prime minister rebuked his critics and told stupid climatologists his plans are “entirely consistent” with the government’s net zero commitments, which include doing net zero to tackle the climate crisis. He insisted his plans would lower the energy bills that his policies made sky high and they would help us defeat Putin somehow.
The Climate Change Committee explained Rishi is “full of crap” and the best way to lower bills and boost energy security would be to invest in renewables. The government has therefore designated the CCC a terrorist organisation and banned anyone from mentioning them on social media. You have been warned.
The prime minister believes a rapid transition to renewables would be a “vote loser” because many of his voters don’t understand a slower transition would be a “life loser” and he can’t be arsed to educate them. He has therefore opted to bullshit them and accuse everyone else of siding with dictators. This is what true leadership looks like.
Rishi explained that even when net zero is reached, loads of our energy will come from oil and gas because the UK is a country that does not have wind. Oil and gas exploration is the only plausible way to stop us relying on foreign dictators for energy. It will instead allow us to depend on foreign billionaires who are much nicer and definitely not a threat to the survival of our species.
The prime minister assures us oil and gas permits will only go to his biggest and most deserving Tory donors. Plus, he has confirmed the government will spend millions of pounds on carbon capture technology that is going to capture a whopping 0.5% of our carbon.
Rishi is leading by example and has reduced his own carbon footprint by flying in a smaller helicopter that is painted green. Are the bleeding heart lefties reducing the size of their helicopters? No, they’re not even painting them green, and this is because they are not taking the government’s net zero plans seriously.
It’s important to understand new licences will help us transition to renewables because it only takes 25 years from the discovery of oil and gas to the final investment decision and another three years before energy is produced. This means these licences will provide us with energy no sooner than 2051, only one year after we are supposed to reach net zero.
Most Tories will be long dead by this point, although Jacob Rees-Mogg is confident that virgin blood will keep him going for at least another century, meaning he could witness the extinction of humanity. Jacob is said to be unmoved by this possibility because he does not have a soul x
Thank you so much for letting me vent! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. It helps me more than you realise. Writing is my full-time job, meaning I am so broke and without this blog supplementing my income, I cannot pay the bills! x
VERY NICE LAURA K: "The prime minister believes a rapid transition to renewables would be a “vote loser” because many of his voters don’t understand a slower transition would be a “life loser” and he can’t be arsed to educate them. He has therefore opted to bullshit them and accuse everyone else of siding with dictators. This is what true leadership looks like."
You have a knack for making the most depressing news at least depressingly comical - which is better than just depressing, but still... I bet you can do magic with news that doesn't make us want to throw things. (If and when that happens again).