Thames Water collapse proves only privatisation of essential services works

No other system is better at enriching politicians and shareholders

As we all know, privatisation of public services is the only approach that works and anyone who supports nationalisation is an idiot who doesn’t understand economics. It’s brilliant that our major political parties understand this inarguable fact and kick out anyone who sides with the 70% of the public who disagree. Democracy is when politicians don’t give the public what they want because the corporations who are bribing them know better.

Excitingly, Thames Water is on the brink of collapse after accumulating £14 billion of debt, despite spending approximately zero on infrastructure. You will be pleased to know that since its inception in 1989, Thames Water’s investors have not invested a single penny because this is not how investment works. Investment is when you’re given taxpayer money for no reason, other than you’re already rich and you’re friends with other rich people.

Sarah Bentley, the CEO of Thames Water, generously gave up her well-earned annual bonus (I wouldn’t), but she rightly doubled her pay to £1.5 million before stepping down. I’m sure you will agree no one has done more to deserve sailing into the sunset after running an essential public service into the ground. I trust Sarah will be included in the 2024 new year’s honours list because she is just as deserving as the people Boris Johnson honoured, such as the bloke who sent the “bring your own booze” emails.

Obviously, when you’re getting free money from the government and you’re guaranteed bill payments, thanks to your natural monopoly, it’s hugely impressive to accumulate enough debt to go bankrupt. Shareholders have shrewdly leeched every ounce of value from the public’s desire to drink clean water and flush their toilet without the contents making a return visit. The strategy is to let things get as bad as possible, pocket all the money and let the taxpayer pick up the pieces. In other words, “privatise the profit and nationalise the debt”. The system isn’t failing, it’s working exactly as intended.

Unfortunately, this means Thames Water could be taken into public ownership - the least efficient way of enriching shareholders and politicians - but this will only be temporary. Rest assured the government will find another company willing to bribe them in no time at all. Nothing and no one can stop the neoliberal gravy train.

You will be pleased to know other water companies are increasing bills by 40% so you can pay for their failure to invest in essential infrastructure. If you want a water system that doesn’t release raw sewage into your house, you must pay extra, otherwise you will get the budget water supply that comes with sewage. This is only fair.

A fun fact is that water companies paid out a total of £50.6 billion in dividends from privatisation in 1989 until 2021, meaning shareholders got rewarded for an investment they never made - that’s free money! I don’t know about you, but I’m hugely relieved that money was not spent on reservoirs or turd removal facilities or anything daft like that.

The water system is so much better now and its modernisation has led to many exciting scientific discoveries. Thanks to chronic underinvestment in sewage treatment, marine biologists have spotted interesting new species along our coastline, such as three-eyed Atlantic salmon, glow-in-the-dark kittiwakes, and harbour seals that subsist solely on used condoms and baby wipes.

If lefties had their way, these creatures wouldn’t even exist because they don’t care about the environment like profiteers do x

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