The greatest prime minister since Liz Truss resigns

The greatest prime minister since Liz Truss has resigned and everyone in the UK who matters is distraught.

Sir Keir Starmer’s shock resignation came just two years after he won two-thirds of the parliamentary seats by winning one-third of the vote. He was so much better than Corbyn that he became prime minister, despite getting a lower vote share. I just can’t work out where it all went wrong.

As a knight, Starmer was acceptable to the establishment so they shuffled a few things around to get him into No. 10. Namely, splitting the left with the people’s vote in 2019, and splitting the right with Farage in 2024. This is called managed democracy and it works brilliantly.

When he took office, Starmer’s approval skyrocketed to -45%, proving the sage-like James O’Brien emphatically right. No wonder James can’t log on without someone reminding him of his “any other leader would be twenty points ahead” line. The sensibles got their man and it worked out brilliantly… for no one.

Clearly, Starmer’s roaring success proved that neoliberalism is what the country desperately wants. More privatisation. More corporate control. More managed decline. More scapegoating. The fact that we are about to have our sixth neoliberal prime minister in seven years is further proof that no other system could possibly work. The British people love this shit, especially when it’s in their rivers.

It really knocked me for six when Starmer resigned because the signs just weren’t there. I haven’t been left reeling like this since Liz Truss was assassinated by that lettuce. RIP.

Like all the best prime ministers, Starmer never had tears for the people whose lives he destroyed. He certainly never had tears for the children that Israel had the “right” to withhold food, water and medicine from. But he choked back tears of self-pity during his humiliating resignation speech. It was his first ever attempt at emotion and it was almost convincing. He barely even seemed like a robot.

Starmer read the room so well that he proudly defended his record and insisted it was everyone else who was wrong. He reminded us that he transformed a Labour Party that was “morally bankrupt”. It was so morally bankrupt during the Corbyn years that he was willing to serve in the shadow cabinet—and Corbyn was so morally bankrupt that he called him a “friend”.

Unfortunately, their relationship soured when it became clear that Corbyn didn’t think Israel should be allowed to commit war crimes. Outrageously, he told Labour Friends of Israel that he wouldn’t unconditionally support the wars of the country they represent. This was the greatest antisemitism crisis in human history.

Starmer explained: “Every decision I’ve taken has been about putting the country I love first.” The country he loves just happens to be the genocidal settler-colony that suspected paedophiles keeping fleeing to. This explains why he brought the best people from the Epstein ring into his inner-circle. Perhaps Starmer’s finest achievement was pretending that he’d stopped arming Israel during a genocide. Presumably so he didn’t get arrested for war crimes.

He cleaned antisemitism out of Labour by pretending that criticism of Israel was antisemitic. He paid large sums of money to the people who’d conspired to bring down Corbyn and almost bankrupted Labour in the process. He then claimed that it was actually Corbyn who almost bankrupted Labour… by practically doubling the membership and leaving the party awash with money. Thankfully, Starmer drove all those new members away and alienated the unions.

It’s fair to say Starmer became Labour leader with one goal in mind: to end socialism as a political force. Keir Hardie would be so proud of his namesake.

During the 2020 leadership contest, he showed he was a man of principle by making ten socialist pledges to the Labour membership… and u-turning on all ten. We in the media explained how this was a brilliant move. Of course a politician should trick you into voting for them. How else would they get away with doing the things no one wants them to do?

Starmer did a spectacular job of telling us how much he hated Corbyn. It’s just unfortunate that he had no idea what to do once he’d expelled him, other than commit war crimes and cut benefits. He skilfully targeted disabled people, blamed foreigners for everything getting worse, and copied Enoch Powell’s homework. His “island of strangers” speech made Nigel Farage burst with envy.

It’s fair to say he did his utmost to make every aspect of your life worse. He gave your NHS data to Palantir, forced you to scan your face to use the internet, paved the way for digital ID, made sure your public services stayed privatised, and shagged flags at every opportunity. He completely fucked over striking workers, treated NHS staff as the enemy, treated grannies as terrorists, and resisted lifting children out of poverty for as long as possible. When he was finally forced to lift the two-child welfare cap, he shamelessly took credit for alleviating child poverty. Incredible stuff.

With a track record like that, no wonder he bragged about his successes as prime minister. Starmer did everything that he was appointed to do, driven by a pathological hatred of his voter base. He will be handsomely rewarded for his efforts with a seat in the House of Lords. I’m not sure if you know this, but his father was a nurse and his mother was a tool maker.

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