The lettuce says being compared to Liz Truss was not funny
The war of words has caused shockwaves in politics
The lettuce has complained that being compared to Liz Truss was “not funny” after Liz Truss shared similar sentiments about the lettuce in a stunning war of words.
If I know my readers like I think I do, you lot are definitely more sympathetic towards our greatest ever prime minister. Wait, I’m talking about Liz Truss, not the lettuce!
It was so unfair to compare Liz to a lettuce when she has at least the intellect of a cucumber slice that’s going soft but is just about edible. Liz is at least that smart, but lefties somehow think a crisp iceberg is a few IQ points smarter. Outrageous.
Liz, who lasted several days less than the lettuce as prime minister, spoke at the European Broadcasting Union’s NewsXchange conference where she made absolutely no sense whatsoever but was still brilliant.
“I don’t think it was particularly funny. I think it’s puerile,” Liz snapped at the interviewer (me) as though I was rude for asking about the Daily Mirror’s live stream of the lettuce. She didn’t understand I was trying to be supportive and assure her she is slightly smarter than a lettuce because she is clearly doubting herself.
I later approached the lettuce for comment and it said: “That idiot made me the butt of jokes for weeks. She can fuck right off!” Personally, I don’t understand why the lettuce is so humourless. Miserable git.
By the way, the lettuce is extremely rancid now. Its leaves are shrivelled and it’s dripping with foul juice, but it still looks fresher than Liz. Although to be fair, Liz had a much harder time, what with everyone being mad at her for ruining their lives. Things got so bad last winter that former Waitrose customers were forced to drink Asda Smart Price coffee and former Asda customers are still drinking fake coffee sourced from muddy puddles. Apparently, this justifies their bitterness towards the woman who did this to them for no reason.
The last we’d heard from the lettuce, it was spouting off about foreign affairs, particularly about UK-China relations. In its new role as ambassador, the lettuce visited Taiwan where it said we should not listen to “that idiot who wants to start a war with China”.
Liz, who was also dripping with foul juice, had recently visited Taiwan. On her trip, she did her utmost to start World War III because she was confident that would make her look prime ministerial and everyone would forget they used their life savings to pay their heating and buy some coffee. Liz destroyed the UK in just 44 days and is confident that given the chance, she could destroy Taiwan even quicker.
I interviewed Liz on her time in charge of the UK when she was unquestionably our greatest prime minister, after giving us unfunded tax cuts and reversing them when the economy collapsed because it didn’t understand a £60 billion blackhole is what it needed. Yes, it was the economy’s fault the economy collapsed and also the fault of everyone who didn’t believe in Truss.
If you’re one of the many people too stupid to understand what this means, Liz clarified the UK is in “serious economic trouble” thanks to Liz, and she needed to be “bold” which is why she u-turned, and she could have “gone a bit slower”, but her ideas were brilliant and everyone else is wrong. Clear as a muddy puddle, right?
Liz explained: “the level of understanding of economic ideas in the media and the ability to explain them is very poor indeed.” If it wasn’t for everyone in the media being thick (apart from me) and treating politics like a “soap opera”, Liz wouldn’t have needed to go slow. Personally, I blame Emily Maitlis and Krishnan Guru-Murthy.
“I do think sometimes politics is sort of treated as a branch of the entertainment industry. Who’s up, who’s down, who says what about who,” Liz explained, shrewdly identifying the reason pension funds almost collapsed and inflation reached double digits. The economists from across the political spectrum who said Liz and Kwasi were the problem were obviously wrong. Fucking anti-growth coalition.
Liz raged that she wasn’t allowed to have fun when she was prime minister, apart from that time she went on the piss with hedge fund managers and told them to bet against the pound.
Poor Liz didn’t even get to send those “jingle and mingle” invitations to Christmas work meetings like the ones for the “Shaun Bailey for London Holiday Work Meeting”. Downing Street sounds like a dark and depressing place now, but you’ll be relieved that Shaun won’t be stripped of the peerage Boris Johnson gave him after resigning for committing the same crime.
In sad news though, Boris lost the vote on whether he misled parliament after everyone in parliament voted against him, apart from a Labour whip who had to reject the findings of the privileges committee to force the vote, and six Tory MPs who Johnson had kompromat on.
You don’t want to know what Joy Morrissey and Adam Holloway were getting up to while Heather Wheeler chased Karl McCartney (who was wearing only body paint) around the Downing Street garden on Rees-Mogg’s penny farthing, and Nick Fletcher passed out in the toilets while Bill Cash fed his edibles to Dilyn the dog.
It was even more embarrassing than the time Liz Truss sought advice from an academically impressive radish on how to overcome the lettuce and somehow still lost x
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Cutting as usual.
Lettuce all enjoy the lettuce. Great writing.