The only democracy in the Middle East introduces death penalty for Palestinians, but not Israelis

The only apartheid state, I mean democracy in the Middle East has introduced the death penalty for Palestinians, but not Israelis. The Knesset passed the new law in a 62-48 vote which shows the majority of Israel’s parliament is aligned with Itamir Ben Gvir, the guy we’ve spent forever pretending is an extreme outlier. Even the AI avatar of Netanyahu voted in favour of the bill.

Supporters pointed out the bill is necessary to stop people trying to destroy the state of Israel, however, they clarified it’s fine to destroy the state of Palestine or the state of Lebanon or the state of Syria or the state of Iran or the entire global economy for that matter.

Ben Gvir and other Israeli politicians celebrated the new bill by drinking champagne while wearing hangman’s noose pin badges, reminding the world they’re a classy bunch.

The death penalty is now the default for Palestinians convicted of nationalistic killings in military courts, as well as other serious crimes, such as journalism. Israelis convicted of equivalent crimes will not receive the death penalty because God’s favourite children get a pass on that sort of thing.

Hangings of Palestinians are to take place within 90 days of conviction to avoid any possibility of the decision being overturned. Given that Israel is keeping around 10,000 Palestinians prisoner, expect an awful lot of journalists and doctors to be hanged in the coming months. It is the only way to keep the Palestinian population under control.

Any concerns about miscarriages of justice are clearly unfounded. Israeli military courts are so reliable that they convict 99.7% of Palestinians whereas civilian courts convict only 2% of Israeli Jews. This proves that Palestinians are savages who deserve what they get in this two-tier legal system.

Palestinians will now only avoid the death penalty in exceptional circumstances, such as if they can prove their great grandfather once fixed an Israeli’s wi-fi in 1883. What do you mean wi-fi didn’t exist in 1883? Next you’ll be telling me Israel didn’t exist then either!

Human rights groups like Amnesty International are calling this legislation “apartheid”—with military law for Palestinians and civilian law for Israelis. Israeli apartheid is fine, of course. It would only count as racism if a country introduced the death penalty exclusively for Jews. Any country that did that would deserve to be nuked.

Unfortunately, our leaders appear to be lacking the courage of their convictions. Yvette Cooper is distancing herself after an advisor tapped her on the shoulder and suggested history books might not remember this moment too fondly. Government ministers are acting like they haven’t spent forever sending arms to Israel and rounding up its critics at home. To be fair, executing retired vicars and blind people in wheelchairs might be a step too far, even for our prime minister.

It’s unclear if Sir Keir Starmer is still calling himself “Zionist without qualification”, but his focus groups are suggesting he might want to add a pretty massive apartheid qualification—and Starmer is nothing without his focus groups.

The UK, Germany, France, and Italy have issued a joint press release about Israel’s apartheid bill that was written with all the sincerity of a ChatGPT prompt: “We express our deep concern about the de facto discriminatory character of the bill... we urge you to abandon these plans.” In other words: “We still support you, Israel, but can you please stop embarrassing us in public? It’s getting impossible to defend this crap.”

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