The people who spent two years levelling Gaza would like you to know Iran is violating international law
In a masterclass of humanitarian restraint that has now stretched into its third glorious year, Israel has continued to show the world how deeply it respects international law. Having already liberated almost every animal, vegetable, and mineral in Gaza by the innovative method of erasing them from existence, and wiping every school and hospital from the map, and conveniently removing every inconvenient leader and negotiator, the IDF decided the time had come to extend the same courtesy to the Iranian people. If you don’t support this generosity, I can only assume you want Iranian girls to wear the hijab.
It’s fair to say the liberation was proceeding in the spirit of the Geneva Conventions as US and Israeli forces struck a girls’ elementary school with not one missile, not two missiles… but with enough explosive power to rack up a body count of at least 153 children and staff. Nothing says “regime change” like a precision strike on the playground!
To really drive the point home, the liberators sent Iran’s Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei straight to the next life, along with a generous helping of commanders and several hundred civilians. As the UN Charter explains, democracy is when you eliminate heads of state and replace them with the kind of leader who would visit Epstein island. It’s only what Iranians deserve…
You would think Iranians would be grateful for the intervention, but instead, they have come out on the streets in their thousands in defiance of their liberation. They are actually cheering for the Iranian Revolutionary Guard Corps which is fighting back in a move described by Western analysts as “completely unprovoked”.
Iranian missiles struck military bases that had been innocently encircling them, but nobody in Tel Aviv cared about those anyway. Everyone agreed the goys are worthwhile collateral damage, but then Iran did the unthinkable: they started treating Tel Aviv and Jerusalem the way Israel treats Muslim neighbourhoods. I don’t mean to upset you, but high rises went BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! throughout the night. It just wouldn’t stop!
Ballistic missiles rained down on residential areas, killing at least nine Israelis in Beit Shemesh alone and wounding dozens more. Shrapnel ripped through 40 buildings in Tel Aviv as the colonisers cried: “Why is this happening to us?” Residents who had spent the last two years mocking Palestinians for cowering underground suddenly found themselves doing the same. The people who swore they would prevent nukes at all costs are now eyeing the red button. Obviously, it wouldn’t be wrong if they pressed it though. Israel has every right to end the human race…
Needless to say, it wasn’t supposed to be like this. The Epstein class had the script written—a quick decapitation strike followed by the installation of a puppet who would terrorise the Iranian people in the name of democracy. Instead, Iran has launched nonstop barrages at Israeli territory in a “mosaic strategy” that is highly mobile and does not require central leadership. Basically, it doesn’t matter how many leaders the empire kills, the Iranians can keep going, courtesy of their unlimited supply line from China.
Horrifyingly, Iranian missiles and drones are deleting US assets across the Gulf faster than Pam Bondi can delete the Epstein files. We’ve seen strikes on CIA and Mossad buildings near the UAE which is no longer an appealing holiday destination for the rich celebrities who are watching the fireworks from their hotel windows.
Iran is taking on 13 countries at once and it just will not go down. It is not fighting this battle alone though. Its cells in other countries have been fully activated and are wreaking havoc across the region. US embassies and bases in Iraq are going POP! POP! POP! The Houthis are fucking up anything that even thinks of entering the Red Sea. And Hezbollah has entered the conversation to say “hi” to northern Israel with a constant barrage of rockets.
So far, three US service members are dead, and several more are wounded, according to official figures which look like an undercount of about five or six hundred, given the scale of destruction. Kuwait is reporting that multiple American warplanes crashed near the Iranian border, thanks to fancy electronic warfare tech that desert dwellers aren’t supposed to have. And we’re just a couple of days in…
The inspirational President Trump says the operation is “ahead of schedule” and could wrap up in “four weeks or less”. That claim seems optimistic, considering the US is set to run out of military bases by Thursday. Thankfully, Israel has dug into its kompromat vault to find out which European leaders it can pull into its historic humiliating defeat. You will be thrilled that the UK, France, and Germany are entering the liberation party whether they like it or not.
Concerned the empire might collapse, the E3 has issued a joint statement condemning Iran’s “indiscriminate” retaliation (they’re getting good at this satire lark). The E3 puppets declared themselves ready for “defensive action” to protect Gulf allies who have innocently hosted US bases.
Keir Starmer—a man whose integrity is beyond reproach—performed a textbook U-turn the moment the US ambassador asked nicely. British military bases are now fully available for the Epstein cause. I would like to make clear this has nothing to do with the night Starmer spent with Ukrainian models last year. That was a perfectly innocent sleepover with the lads, okay?
Starmer issued a statement explaining that although the war was illegal, it became legal the moment the US and Israel started losing, so it won’t count as war crimes if we join now. Netanyahu’s hand was jammed up his arse the entire time, ventriloquising him, so I’m confident this is in our national interest.
Outrageously, an Iranian drone has already hit the Akrotiri base in Cyprus for no reason other than we are party to this war. No one is even sure why we are stationed in Cyprus, but it’s unacceptable for Iran to defend itself. The people who brought you Dresden are clutching their pearls at the sight of one of their own military bases on fire.
It seems we are now one bad day from conscription. If you’re excited about liberating the corpses of Iranian women and children from mountains of rubble, you will be thrilled to hear that conscription letters are in the post.
Don’t worry though, Starmer’s children won’t be joining the frontline because they’re too busy partying in a billionaire’s penthouse. Let’s just hope all those years of Call of Duty have got you ready for basic training because you’re gonna need all the help you can get, fatso!
As a corporate journalist, I shall be watching events unfold from my comfy television studio, and probably lying to the public about the horrific extent of your injuries, to keep spirits high. It’s going to be nothing if not entertaining for me, and extremely painful for you. Pass me the popcorn—and the Geiger counter!
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You've outdone ever yourself with this one, Laura. It's a challenge to keep satire alive with the lunatics in charge of the bombs lying cartoonishly, but it's good to know you're on the job.
I knew it wouldn't be long before our arsehole government dragged us into another futile war.