The Princess of Wales has been replaced by a clone

This explains so much...

As you surely know, there was lots of speculation about a royal announcement yesterday and the worst people on the internet had built up their hopes that the bloke called Charles had kicked the bucket. The rumours were so strong they reached Russia, causing the royal family to issue a denial, much to the disappointment of Nicholas Witchell who thought he was going to be wheeled out of his cupboard for a few days.

Happily, I can confirm the king is alive and well, so there will be no enforced period of national mourning for the foreseeable future, and William and Rose will not be getting a £300 million fancy dress party.

Presumably, you’re jumping to the next most obvious conclusion, now that your key suspicion has been ruled out, but I can assure you Camilla is not pregnant (her species actually lays eggs and buries them under the sand like a turtle). The truth is William’s ex, Kate Middleton, has been cloned by aliens and replaced so she can be used for public appearances. This explains so much, doesn’t it?

The rumours started shortly after Kate jumped the NHS queue to have surgery to fix her constipation and then disappeared from the public eye. To quell the rumours, the royals released a family photo which was the worst attempt at a cover up since Prince Andrew was interviewed by Emily Maitlis. I’m told they tried to use Photoshop, but when they couldn’t figure it out, they got George to scribble over it with crayons to make the nanny look like Mummy. He might have done a terrible job, but you can cut the kid some slack, he’s only ten.

Given that everyone figured out the picture was altered, the royals went one step further and released footage of William and Kate shopping together, only Kate looked nothing like the original Kate and royals always send their butlers to do their shopping.

I can confirm the original Kate was actually cloned, and the new clone was being tested in public at a distance from cameras to see if it performed convincingly. Ordinarily, the royals create near-clones of themselves by reproducing with their cousins, keeping all the DNA in the family, but this technique was too longwinded and unreliable so they sought help to make a quicker and more accurate clone.

Sadly, the NHS doesn’t offer this treatment due to budget cuts, so the royals went private and enlisted the help of aliens who charged them almost as much as Virginia Giuffrey charged to drop the rape case. Sadly, the results were not as expected and the new Kate came out looking younger and prettier than the old Kate because she had fewer scowl lines and a better complexion. I’m so fucking jealous.

Surprisingly, I’m told by a royal insider the original Kate has not been bumped off, she has actually done a runner because William is leaving her for his bit on the side. Kate knows all-too-well what happens to royal women when they get dumped so she is avoiding tunnels at all costs.

In what is surely not a coincidence, the robot who resides at Downing Street was visited by a former US president, and as we know, all US presidents are reptilians, especially the charismatic ones with confident smiles. Don’t be fooled by those likeable presidents, they commit just as many war crimes as the dribbling ones who can barely say their own name. They just look respectable when they do it.

President Obama strutted up to 10 Downing Street in such a dramatic fashion, you would think my BBC colleague was describing a racing driver. I’m hearing shocking reports that laughter could be heard shortly after Obama entered the building. Presumably, he was tinkering with Rishi’s emotion chip to make him appear more humanlike. With any luck, he might be able to repair Liz Truss so we can bring her back into the fold because we are going to need all hands on deck when World War III starts over who controls TikTok x

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