America is the only country on earth that might be even more normal than the UK and today it is having one of its most normal days ever because the rapture has arrived. Well, almost… We’re unclear if the big moment is happening today or tomorrow, but either way, this is hugely exciting.
The most devout of America’s Christians are desperately hoping they get raptured. Everyone else is hoping they get raptured so the world can finally get some peace and quiet. Needless to say, everybody is excited!
To celebrate (and possibly to fuck with people’s heads) one man has decided to fill dozens of blow up dolls with helium. You can imagine how distraught anyone will be if they witness this magnificent sight and do not float skyward with them. (I’m filling myself with helium just to be safe and I recommend Americans do the same.)
We know God’s rapture plans, thanks to a leak on TikTok which is 100% reliable for this sort of thing. The origin of the leak is some guy from South Africa who had a dream that couldn’t possibly be wrong.
Of course, in this day and age of cancel culture, we can’t be certain the rapture has not been cancelled. One sticking point could be that many of the people who believe in the rapture don’t do a good job of following the message of Christ because that sort of thing is “commie shit”.
Some Christians even called the last pope “evil” for wanting to feed hungry kids and stop a genocide. Christianity is divided into the goodies who cheer on Biblical massacres, and the baddies who believe you should “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”.
As everyone who has read the Old Testament knows, God loves a good genocide, but his rebellious son was a hippy weirdo who wore sandals, fed hungry people, gave away free healthcare, and hated bankers. No wonder Christians are so confused.
Devout Christian Donald Trump has been frantically asking pastors if God would have been watching the goings on on Epstein Island. Surely God is far too nice to watch evil shit like that, right?
If only the president had bothered reading the Bible, he might have gained some clarity on how all of this Christianity stuff works. Oh well, it’s probably too late for that now x
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I am willing to undergo all the horrors of the Apocalypse and Armageddon itself if it means we’re well and truly rid of Christian zionists, evangelical whack-a-doos, and fundamentalist haters of all stripes. Bring it, baby! Bring it on!
I wish I knew one of these idiots so I can ask to be in their will.