The Tories are bringing back the PM we are all desperate for

Not Liz Truss, the other one!

This is huge.

The Tories are bringing back David Cameron, the man who is known as the “heir to Blair” because he levelled Africa’s most prosperous country, Libya, and gave it open slave markets. Clearly, he could not be a more perfect choice as foreign secretary at a time when we're helping to level Gaza.

David ruthlessly ruled Britain during the glory days before Brexit, when all sides insisted everything was wonderful or terrible depending on how a particular issue was being framed.

An interesting fact about David is that he’s the only human being to ever be cloned - twice - giving us both Rishi Sunak and Sir Keir Starmer. I know, I know, I thought they were all the same person too!

When David came to power in 2010 by being slightly less boring than Gordon Brown, he promised a kind and caring society that left nobody behind and then he gave us austerity that killed a quarter of a million vulnerable and disabled people. The point is no rich person was left behind and they’re all that matter.

David gave us the hostile environment (which later became the Windrush scandal) when he deported a load of British citizens because he didn’t like their skin colour, but remember, he also gave us gay marriage. This proves David is socially liberal, just not towards black and brown people.

David accidentally ushered in Brexit by declaring he was a “winner”, calling an EU referendum... to pander to the nutters in the ERG… and losing… to the nutters in the ERG. The economy might have gone into freefall, but at least we don’t have to put up with Ursula von der Leyen, and even the most ardent remainers agree that’s a good thing.

David’s accomplishments don’t stop there because he showed he’s a man of principle by campaigning against the scourge of lobbying. He then lobbied on behalf of Greensill Capital, pocketed £8.2 million, and let them go bankrupt as punishment for corrupting him. It's fair to say no one has done more to defeat the scourge of lobbying than David. I understand the Serious Fraud Office is investigating and they’re grateful for his contribution.

Despite his long list of accomplishments, David’s career ended when he became known as “pig fucker” because he fell in love with a divorced mother of 16 called Sadie.

Sadly, society wasn’t ready for loving relationships between man and sow because the woke brigade called it “bestiality”, but thankfully, things have moved on. Pig fucking is now considered perfectly acceptable in the Tory party.

Obviously, the prime minister we all want back is Liz Truss, but I can tell you no one is more thrilled than Liz that David has backdoor access to pork markets.

It's no wonder that Rishi, desperate to find someone as bland as him, put David in the House of Lords and gave him a cabinet role without democratic scrutiny. David will now be foreign secretary, despite no one voting for him to be an MP.

Even better, no MP can question Lord Cameron of Greensill in parliament because he is better than them. Well, he’s not better than the 350 Tories who declined to be part of Rishi’s dying project, but he’s definitely better than the MPs who aren’t privately educated x

Thank you so much for letting me vent! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. It helps me more than you realise x