The Tories have gone to war with each other over the Covid inquiry

Expect fireworks...

The Covid inquiry is causing mass panic in Conservative HQ. Fear that Tories might be held accountable is causing everyone to turn against each other, leading to spectacular scenes.

Priti Patel has been twisting the arms of whimpering aides behind their backs and saying: “If I’m going down, I’m taking you with me.” Nadine Dorries is swinging a spiked baseball bat around in the canteen, but she’s so pissed she keeps missing everyone and falling over. Matt Hancock was last seen in front of a mirror, splashing his eyes with water and practicing his “the only thing I’m guilty of is falling in love” line, but he couldn’t stop himself from smirking.

Rishi Sunak keeps saying: “11110010001010001000111,” over and over again as though panic is causing him to malfunction. The Rishbot 3000 is particularly worried, due to the focus placed on Eat Out to Help Out - his helpful scheme to stuff money into the pockets of his restaurant-owning mates by subsiding meals for middle-class people. I say “middle-class” because there was no way in hell the working class could’ve afforded to eat out, even with a discount voucher. To be fair to Rishi, there was a parallel scheme for working-class children called “Eat Nowt to Help Out”, but this was normally shortened to “starvation”.

Anyways, it looks like the Covid Inquiry is not going to look kindly on genociding grandparents and starving children to enrich Tory donors and the Rishbot could be in trouble. If he’s found guilty, I’m told he could be permanently powered down and wheeled into the cupboard where they keep Margaret Thatcher.

Some experts are holding Rishi up as an example of the “dangers of artificial intelligence”, although to be fair, other experts are asking where is the intelligence?

One concern for the Rishbot is that Boris Johnson has gone rogue or perhaps always was rogue and somehow he’s only just noticed. Again, where is the intelligence?

The government has threatened to pull Boris’ six-figure legal aid, unless he stops giving evidence to the Covid inquiry before they can redact it. I’m pretty sure this would be “blackmail” or “attempting to pervert the course of justice”, but Boris isn’t taking their nonsense. It seems he’s resigned himself to going down and is taking the rest of them down with him, but this is not out of principle and he certainly hasn’t found a conscience. Boris is like a chimpanzee sitting in a pile of his own shit, throwing that shit at everyone around him. It’s glorious.

A man on £27,000 was recently told he does not qualify for legal aid, but a man who’s just bought a £3.8 million mansion does qualify under our super-fair rules - and he doesn’t even want it! This is the first time in history a Tory has decided not to fleece the taxpayer to line their own pockets. It really is a world first.

Boris was recently asked why he did not bother attending Cobra meetings and when he was finished picking his nose, he called himself the “supercharged champion of open borders and herd immunity” and mumbled something about “saving the free market”, then he ate whatever was on the end of his finger.

Sadly, Johnson has not been entirely helpful on the self-incrimination front though. MI5, MI6, and GCHQ have disputed his insistence that he can’t hand over his phone for security reasons - those “security reasons” being the phone contains all the messages he’s been sending to women, and Carrie will beat the crap out of him if she finds out. He’ll be sleeping in the garden with the gnomes again.

Johnson might not want to hand his phone over, but he did provide Lady Hallett with a damning dossier. He strutted into the inquiry wearing a t-shirt bearing the logo “let the bodies pile high” and handed over a pile of drawings he’d crayoned to explain events. The damning dossier was entitled: “Rishi did it”.

Johnson was quick to point out he’s not letting Rishi take credit for some of his finest achievements though. It remains unclear what exactly he thinks '“Rishi did” that was so bad, since he’s been bragging about all the worst stuff as though this won’t incriminate him too. He really does not know the difference between right and wrong, does he?

For example, there was the constant ignoring of science, such as refusing to have a circuit breaker lockdown in autumn 2020, which only resulted in the need for a much longer and deeper lockdown after loads of people died.

Johnson said: “We shouldn’t have empowered scientists the way we did,” suggesting he wanted the death toll to go even higher. His greatest regret appears to be that the death toll was not “world-beating”. Well, his second greatest regret - obviously dumping me would be his first.

It remains unclear how exactly scientists were “empowered’, considering they were not consulted or completely ignored, every step of the way. Rishi did not even bother consulting scientists about Eat Out to Help Out and it turns out they thought it was an incredibly stupid way to spend £850 million.

Even Dr Goebbels’ successor Matt Hancock thought Eat Out to Help Out was going too far and he personally wheeled Covid patients into care homes. Matt explained the first he knew of Eat Out to Help Out was from reading a press release poster. He expressed concern because he’d already taken the death toll as high as the government could get away with, but Boris and Rishi decided to go even higher. They really wanted to be world beating, didn’t they?

If the inquiry goes the way many fear, it looks like the Rishbot is going to be wheeled into the Thatcher cupboard indefinitely and Boris could even be forced to spend time with his children. The pair of them deserve so much worse x

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