Sometimes you hear news that is just incomprehensible. News that is heartbreaking. News that defies logic and reason.
Today is one such day.
A poll from People Polling from 9th February has indicated the Conservative Party would win just 12 seats at the next general election. Now I don’t always agree with my adoring followers (because most of you are bots programmed by the European Research Group and you can’t string a sentence together), but I’m absolutely certain you will be crestfallen to hear this news.
The poll results suggest that Labour would romp to a 29-point margin of victory, taking 50% of the vote, while the Conservatives would only take 21% of the vote, and a bunch of parties I’ve never heard of (god knows who LD are) would share the crumbs.
![Twitter avatar for @LeftieStats](https://substackcdn.com/image/twitter_name/w_96/LeftieStats.jpg)
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None of this makes any sense, does it? Labour opposed the government every step of the way as the Tories took the necessary steps to transform our lives for the better and the stupid electorate is showing zero gratitude.
Rishi Sunak’s brilliant leadership had given us so much hope, especially with the promotion of 30p Lee, sorry 43p Lee (I keep forgetting about inflation) so we could bring back the death penalty for everyone who was caught on camera showing basic human empathy to a homeless person, or using up two parking spaces at Tesco, or not singing the national anthem with sufficient gusto. It was a vision every decent person could get behind and for a short but beautiful time, it all seemed to be going so well.
As far-right rioters were treated with kid gloves by the same police force who battered women at Clapham Common for holding candles and the streets were so clean that 90% of crimes last year were just burglaries committed by British Gas bailiffs, it’s fair to say almost everything was moving in the right direction.
The Turd Reich was proving such a roaring success that by 2027, just 7% of our rivers were expected to have satisfactory water quality, and god only knows what your energy bills were going to be by then. But at least they’ll be going up by 40% in April, by which point everyone in the country will be getting burgled by British Gas bailiffs who will be confiscating solar panels. Also, the NHS will be owned by Jeff Bezos who will be offering a 10% healthcare discount and free delivery on prescriptions to Amazon Prime subscribers. Meanwhile, 130% of frontline workers will be on strike so they can afford rent on the site where they’re pitching their tents, and families will have to sell their cutest child to a depressed celebrity if they want to buy a loaf of bread.
Progress is coming at a relentless pace, but we have to admit not everything has gone as planned, despite the government’s tireless efforts to improve our country.
The Tories did everything in their power, but they could not stop Meghan Markle’s traitor husband from letting the EU infiltrate Mensa to train evil genius Carol Vorderman in the art of journalism. This is because those leftie bastards in Labour teamed up with key Tory donor Vladimir Putin who bribed our last bulwark against the EU - Nadine Dorries - to resign so she could accept a TV role on a channel no one watches where she thinks she’s fighting the good fight, blissfully unaware she’s talking to herself while drinking wine like she does in her kitchen.
To make matters worse, I understand Mick Lynch conspired with a Chinese weather balloon to help an invasion of fake refugees navigate the English Channel in their dinghies. He even helped them turn our hotels into transgender training facilities with gender-neutral toilets from which they could spread the woke mind virus which has caused all of our kids to get fashion tips from Sam Smith. This is the reason they’ve turned into gay space communists with a globalist agenda to steal money from hardworking taxpayers and give it all to people who don’t want to work, like CEOs and landlords.
Clearly, there is only one solution to this unbearable communist nightmare: bring back Liz Truss and call an immediate general election x
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