The Tory Sewage Party™ can't understand why it lost so badly

The local elections were so unbelievably humiliating

They said we would never get there, but we finally did.

We arrived. We made it. We reached those fabled unlit shitlands and you bastards went and threw it all away, just like that. I don’t even know what you people want anymore. I really don’t.

Things were so beautiful.

Fat bergs clogged our sewers. The rivers were streams of diarrhoea. The seagulls were brown and sticky. The pigeons were seeking refuge in France. And the water companies made over £60 billion from chronic underinvestment. It was glorious to behold.

The countryside air bore the fragrance of sulphur as our flowers withered, insects suffocated and died, and squirrels were strangled by six-pack rings. Our sparkling lakes of venom washed up three-eyed rainbow trout on their shores. You could inhale sweet, sweet polio spores at the beach as jellyfish floated among baby wipes in the algae overgrowth. Back in the towns and cities, union jacks waved from the homes of brainwashed idiots who seemed oh, so proud of what their nation had become.

How was I supposed to know these idiots were having doubts? I had no idea I lived inside an echo chamber, just because I only ever interacted with Tory ministers and relayed their exact words to the public like it was news. It never occurred you lot stopped listening the day British Gas broke into your homes and left you sitting in the dark. That was supposed to be my job.

You people were supposed to be wrapped up in patriotic fervour; ready to pledge allegiance to the bloke called Charles, glorify the monstrous crimes of the empire, and fucking well vote for the Tory Sewage Party™. Those were your three tasks and you’ve already failed one of them miserably. I dread to think what’s going to happen during the coronation thingymajig, but if it doesn’t involve clutching your Paddington Bear and eating marmalade sandwiches, I’m done.

It’s fair to say the local elections were devastating. Humiliating. Even Thérèse Coffey doesn’t want to show her face and she’s so shameless, she’s been in public with Lee Anderson before. Poor Jonathan Gullis was left looking like a gormless, miserable sod, but let’s be honest, that’s no different from usual. Suella Braverman was so panicked, she was desperately trying to seek asylum in a Tory safe seat, only to find there are none. And Liam Fox was cheered on by jubilant Labour MPs as he insisted Rishi Sunak is on the right track.

Apparently, the Green Party gained 29 seats only a quarter of the way through the announcement of the results. The fucking Greens who are totally opposed to sewage discharges in exceptional circumstances every three days.

Even a party I’ve never heard of called the “Liberal Democrats” did rather well, gaining 57 seats last time I checked. Who the hell are the Liberal Democrats? I’m hearing an estimated 200 people in the entire UK voted Tory and I was one of them. Not even all of their MPs bothered to vote Tory, for fuck’s sake. What is happening to this country?

I just can’t figure it out. Just because the Tories have had three prime ministers in the past year and scored 17 own goals is no reason to turn against them.

We were so well-prepared for the elections as well. I was doing non-stop propaganda on my brilliant TV show called Laura Kuenssberg, telling you lot what to think and who to hate. The government was doing its voter suppression and the ID requirements were marginalising our mortal enemies: the young and the poor.

We even turned away disabled people from polling stations because let’s be honest, they were never going to vote for us, were they? But it turns out the Tories are so hated, even the above tactics were not enough. We couldn’t even get S*n readers on our side and they don’t have to braincells two rub together.

Inexplicably, the pensioners couldn’t forgive us for collapsing their pensions and trying to kill them with Covid and hypothermia. The middle class were furious they’ve had to downgrade from Waitrose to Sainsburys, and homeowners are still having nightmares that Liz Truss might come and get them. She is the new Freddy Krueger.

The British public are avoiding the Tory Party like Akshata Murthy avoids her tax bill. We’ve lost pretty much every, “I’m alright, Jack,” because they are no longer alright, Jack.

Experts (me) are blaming Liz Truss and Boris Johnson for “damaging the Conservative brand” and hoping everyone forgets who Johnson’s chancellor was, but I fear our propaganda will not be enough. Thankfully, the Tories have announced additional voter suppression measures. Going forward, everyone under the age of 106 will be barred from voting unless they show their Tory membership card or proof they've helped a minister facilitate an £800,000 loan.

If we can stop 98% of the public from voting, we might just have a chance in 2024 x

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