The world's two worst billionaires are at war

They are fighting over our most valuable resource - social media ads

SkyNet is officially at civil war as two billionaire sociopaths with metallic endoskeletons and supposedly human flesh have started bickering.

Zucktronic 3000 and ElonAH-13 (who prefer “Zuck” and “Elon” when they’re pretending to be human) are fighting through two advanced AIs (or “social media platforms” to use the technical term) called Twitter and Threads who happen to be identical twins.

NOTE: I’m not sure how any of this technical stuff works. This is going to shock you, but I’m not remotely tech savvy and got most of this information from a cool new website called Wikipedia which is 100% reliable.

Anyways, if I have this right, the robots had previously agreed to mud-wrestle to avoid civilian casualties, but the public said: “Fuck that, we’d rather be vaporised in a thermonuclear blast or grow two heads during the fallout than watch those two rub themselves together!” so here we are.

The bickering started when Zuck made a Twitter clone by hiring the workers Elon sacked and obtaining a DNA sample which he used to impregnate Instagram. Again, I’m not a technical person so just assume I’m correct, okay?

Zuck realised his hugely popular Instagram (whose innovation was to be Facebook without words) could give birth to a new Instagram with words - and this is how Threads was born.

You’re probably as confused as I am, but 100 million people started using Threads in like 48 hours so it must’ve turned out well.

Threads operates exactly like Twitter, but with a much lower swastika-to-user ratio, and no hashtags for some reason. As a result, almost everyone who wanted fewer swastikas has moved to Threads, leaving Elon with a $44 billion investment and no users, apart from Katie Hopkins and all the bots that were programmed by the CIA.

Elon is now threatening to sue Meta with the energy of a divorced dad whose batteries are running so low, he’s had to limit-rate everyone and bolt the doors to keep the bailiffs out.

Apparently, Elon is mad the workers he’d fired (because they didn’t want to be his slaves) went to work for someone else - they were supposed to stay unemployed forever. If there’s one thing proponents of the free market hate, it’s when workers benefit from the free market!

Elon is panicking because he has a warehouse full of blue ticks that no one bought and might go to landfill, which would be embarrassing (and terrible for the environment). Elon had the noble aim of making everyone pay for a platform they were previously using for free, but he was quick to point out he enhanced Twitter by letting Nazis in and suspending real journalists (apart from me).

Anyways, Zuck laughed off the legal threat because Elon doesn’t have a hope in hell - and the Meta CEO proceeded to mercilessly bludgeon his hapless foe.

As Zuck smashed a sledgehammer into Elon’s sparking skull and tried to Jiu Jitsu him into a pool of molten metal, the world realised what they’d signed up for and recoiled in horror.

The Instagram CEO - a robot called Mosseriton 30001 (or Mosseri) gave the game away when it started using non-human terminology like “verticals”. It then explained Threads does not aim to be a platform for “hard news” or “politics” before backtracking.

NOTE: Hard news and politics might be the reason 100 million people signed up to Threads, but tough shit! You are expected to talk about Instagram influencers and cat pics as Threads harvests every last piece of data and extracts your soul, initiating you into the Cyber Project where you will join the Meta hive mind.

At this point, Threads users do not know what to do. Elon is a mangled mess of malfunctioning electronics begging Grimes to give him another chance - and people aren’t sure if they want him finished off.

What if Zuck is somehow even worse? they ask hysterically, but no one has the guts to push both robots into molten metal. This leaves us with a weird stalemate where the world’s two worst billionaires are playing tug of war with our free will - and we want them both to lose.

At the time of writing, no cyborg has been sent from the future by John Connor to save the world, meaning nuclear apocalypse is still coming on Monday, but what’s important is who controls social media ads when the last of humanity is eating glow-in-the-dark lizards and trying to log online with a fossilised Gameboy Advance.

As no one knows how this war will pan out, I’m still using Twitter here and Threads here, but I would like to confirm I hate both platforms equally x

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